Happy New Year

Sorry for not posting for a while. I've not fallen off the wagon but it is a bit of a long story.

Everything was going well up until November. I had a student with me for 3 months and by November she was seriously doing my head in. I can't comment in detail about it but, suffice to say, I wasn't expecting her to pass the placement, despite all my best efforts to make her experience as straight forward as possible.

One night in November I had a particularly severe PBing episode. I'd not tried to eat anything radical but, clearly stress was playing a role. The next day I woke up feeling as if my throat was 3 feet wide... Just under my chin where your salivary glands live. I thought it would settle down and went onto soup for a couple of days. To no avail.... As Christmas approached my life's circumstances were about to go tits up. My mother and father have run a family business for 35 years. It's been struggling but basically has always pulled through. My other half and brother also work there. The Friday before Xmas the proverbial hit the fan and everyone was put on short time ... with no foreseeable work in the future.

As you can imagine Xmas had a somewhat severe undercurrent of stress to it ... despite everyone trying their best to put on a happy front.

So that's the background and, hardly surprisingly, my band was tighter than a nun's chuff. I spent Xmas feeling ill, not being able to eat and for the first time I was getting acid reflux. New Year's Eve we couldn't face going out and I spent the evening producing copious quantities of slime even with the tiniest morsel of food. Liquids were fine and I was still able to get them down ok, but only if they were piping hot. No cold liquid would go down at all - uhuh, I had a surprisingly sober Xmas. Things came to a head when I started to wake up choking on my stomach acid and I knew I had to take drastic action.

I know I should have rang the hospital and booked in for a defill but, I haven't had a fill for 7 months so, why it should tighten so dramatically and overnight was beyond me. Had it slipped? Had I stretched my oesophagus? In true 'sticking my head in the sand' style I decided to try and sit it out. After all, Xmas was over and I was returning to a more peaceful work environment. I went back to thin liquids for a week and now I am on liquids and mushies. However my swallowing has been effected and the only way I can get even soup down is to alternate between mouthfuls of hot water. If I am not concentrating and I have a drink, it now seems to go directly down my windpipe. Scared? Me? That's an understatement.

Last night, after 2 weeks on fluids and mushies, I went to the hospital. I spoke with the dietitican and I am going for an urgent barium swallow with a view to a de-fill. I am completely ambivalent about it. On one hand I am extremely worried about what they'll find and that the problems are not just stress related. Then, on the other, I am desperate to try and eat somewhat normally... I would love some chicken and salad. The only definite worry I have is hunger. Currently I have not actually experienced any physical hunger for months. I have to make myself eat as I could happily not eat at all. My worry is that I'll have a de-fill and the hunger pangs will come back... I love not being hungry. It is such a liberating feeling to look at food and think, "I'd rather poke my eye out than put it in my mouth!". The demon sitting on my shoulder is whispering unhealthy thoughts into my head and is loving the whole lack of appetite experience.

Normally when I am stressed I reach immediately to food so to become hungry in this current stressful time is a legitimate fear.

The good news is that I weigh 10st 10lbs. A full 5 1/2 stone down from the start of my pre-op diet and 6 stone down from the autumn prior to that. I have also gotten into the MoonWalk, so I am training in earnest for that. The sensible side of me knows that I have to be able to eat more to sustain my body to train for the marathon.

I'll let you know what happens at the x-ray.

Onwards and downwards.

Talking Bobbins Again ...

"Blythe walked around the tree 149, 674 times just to enjoy a jaffa cake"

Apologies for the late posting, no I’ve not fallen off the wagon again, simply had an uber-busy weekend.

So what’s new pussycat? Not a lot really. I’ve been managing to eat a little more again this week – I feel physically dreadful if my calories drop below 1200 a day now. I have no energy, I feel light-headed, I become an evil moo … the list goes on. However, I am still managing to lose a steady 2lbs a week and I know this is simply down to the equation of food consumed versus energy expended. Some days it’s easier to eat than others and I have noticed two things that will make me PB more than anything:
1, Letting myself go for too long without eating resulting in me chomping my meals down too quickly and not listening to my body enough to recognise my own fullness.
2, Being distracted whilst I eat. This can be watching the telly or simply trying to eat whilst talking.

Since my mega restriction of the summer I have had to give up eating at the dining room table. I was taking far too long to eat, the other half would feel the need to chat throughout dinner and then I would become quite self-conscious and stressed, making eating even more difficult. I am so much better if I eat on my own and, if anything, I am aware I am becoming far less inclined to eat with friends and I certainly actively avoid eating out at all now, which is a real shame. I’m hoping that when I have lost some more weight and the band inevitably loosens off again (which it seems to be doing a little bit, on some days, but only if there’s an R in the month, a three quarter moon in the sky, Leo is in alignment with Mercury and I am wearing my lucky pumps), that I’ll be able to be a little more sociable. The problem is that some of my friends have started to suspect that I am losing weight by becoming bulimic – which isn’t an ideal situation and lead me to disclosing my bandy status when I would have preferred to have kept it private.


I have started to get the, “you don’t need to lose anymore weight” comments and, frankly I’m finding it really difficult to deal with. On one hand I find it offensive that people feel they have the right to make that sort of comment and, on the other hand, I question their motives and whether I am at an acceptable weight.

My BMI is currently 27.8 and I would like to get my BMI to around 23.5 which would make me 9 stone 10lbs. To even get my BMI out of the overweight category I would need to lose another 12lbs anyway. My goal had always been to get under a BMI of 25 and I think it is entirely achievable with the balance of exercise and food intake that I have at the moment.

My strategy that I have taken to using with people who don’t know me all that well is to smile sweetly and agree with them. I just say I am trying to maintain my weight now. That seems to shut them up. Only the inner circle – you guys included - know my true intentions *lets rip evil cackle*.

Am I being too obsessive about this though? I was accused of suffering exercise bulimia by a ‘concerned acquaintance’!! I had to stifle a giggle at this though and I did have a look on the webbernet about it. Here’s what I found and my response to it!

“Exercise bulimia is classified as a non-purging form of bulimia - that is to say, the sufferer does not regularly engage in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics or enemas to rid themselves of the food ingested, but only uses exercise as a method of compensation. Exercise bulimia is especially common in those who find it difficult to purge (i.e. vomit/use laxatives), and in men with eating disorders. It is often seen as a 'healthy' method of compensation. However, the effects of excessive exercise (both psychologically and physically) should not be underestimated, and excessive exercise should not be seen as a safe alternative to vomiting/fasting in those tackling eating issues.

Compulsive exercisers will often schedule their lives around exercise just as those with eating disorders schedule their lives around eating (or not eating). Other indications of compulsive exercise are:

1 - Missing work, parties or other appointments in order to work out
2 - Working out with an injury or while sick
3 - Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
4 - Working out for hours at a time each day
5 - Not taking any rest or recovery days
6 - Striving to achieve and master ever more difficult challenges. Forgets that physical activity can be fun.
7 - Defining self-worth in terms of performance
8 - Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a "special" elite athlete”
(Taken from Wikipedia)

I’m not actually getting my knickers in a twist about this but I was interested that I hadn’t transferred my obsessions about food onto exercise. I don’t think I need to be worried. Here’s the reality of my exercising:

1 - I have never missed anything in favour of exercising (the thought seems utterly ridiculous to me)
2 - If I so much as sneeze I use it as an excuse to put my jimjams on early and take to the sofa like a mini-Buddha.
3 - Sometimes I feel depressed because I know I SHOULD be exercising but can't be arsed!
4 - Ok, that one can get a little close to home but, I now follow a specific training schedule that means I don’t allow myself to walk for longer than an hour a night in the week.
5 - Umm, take plenty of rest days – today for instance. I enjoyed resting in bed and not swimming this morning!
6 - I strive to fit some exercise into my week CONSISTENTLY and that is a difficult enough challenge to achieve.
7 - No-one actually cares about how much I exercise so I definitely don’t define my self-worth by it.
8 - HAHAHA, special athlete?? Me?? Now that’s just too funny.

I think we can safely conclude that I don’t have exercise bulimia. That’s not to say that I don’t legitimize what I do eat with how much exercise I have done. I ‘earned’ myself a Twirl and 2 packets of Skips yesterday and jolly happy about it I was too!

If anything I am only able to incorporate exercise that I actually enjoy doing and if I try and push myself too hard, well, this un-sporty person simply gives up. I am more interested in not being left with oodles of saggy skin and boobs like a pair of deflated, 4 day old, birthday balloons.

So there you have it. I am still hanging in there with my band and I still PB on a far more regular basis than I know is strictly advisable. But, (ok, this is going to make me sound very weird) but I can definitely distinguish between two very different types of PB. One that offends me and one that (and this is the weird part) that I don’t mind at all. The first type of PB is the nasty, slime making, run for the loo type of PB. Often accompanied by discomfort and retching, sometimes violent, sometimes not too bad. The second type is what I refer to as, “chewing the cud”. This seems to happen at most meals if I am honest, and is only a tiny bit of chewed up food that comes back up, no slime, and once re-chewed goes down again without a problem. This is never unpleasant, no-one notices that it is happening, there’s no tightness in my chest and frankly, I quite enjoy it – especially if I’ve been eating chocolate. What an admission! I am clearly a repulsive individual who will burn in the devil’s own flaming diner!

I think I need to stop typing now before I disclose ALL of my secrets!

Onwards and downwards.

Saturday Update

"Blythe realised there were only 2 months left 'till Christmas"

Well, this has been an up and down week again. My restriction is a daily changing entity. There seems no rhyme or reason to it. Chicken has been difficult again and I even managed to PB my smoothie. I have a student on placement with me at the moment and I had to endure the embarrassment of pulling the car over and 'sliming' at the side of the road.

I should realise that rushing makes me stressed and completely incapable of judging when enough's enough. It's a funny old world. Still I managed a Stirling effort with the over-eating of Cadbury's Roses. They were an unexpected thank-you gift - a large tin. I inputted the amount I'd scoffed onto the website I use and nearly fell over when I realised that the 25 sweeties I'd just eaten came in at an incredible 1700 calories. Bugger. Not quite sure what I expected but it was definitely under 800 cals. I clearly have a chocolate calorie delusion going on!

Roses aside, I have been a bit of a pig this week - not sure why, I'm never really sure why at the best of times. I suppose having a student shadowing your every move for 3 months is a bit of a strain. My boss is on holiday and I have been deputising in her absence. This is never a good move - I couldn't manage a piss-up in a brewery. Still only a week to go. Interestingly my weight loss has been quite significant this week - despite the pigging. I am now 11 stone 8lbs. Amazing. But, I am well aware that this is only possible due to me sticking to my exercise regime.

I am trying to not be so 'all or nothing' in my approach to exercise. It's really tricky for me but I am uncovering a few 'tricks' that seem to work. For instance I often fall fowl to intrusive thoughts regarding bingeing. These were always my downfall as I'd mither about what I was going to pig on and not be able to concentrate on anything else. One trick is to make myself drink one of my smoothies on the journey home. By the time I'm back the fruit's natural sugar seems to be kicking in and then I feel motivated to get changed and go for a walk. I am also practising the mantra, "something is better than nothing" where exercise is concerned. Ordinarily, when I am in a bingey mood I won't be motivated to exercise. Now, I tell myself that I only need to walk for half an hour and normally, by the time I'm back, the need to binge is lessened (although not always gone) and I feel pleased with myself for actually making it out. Another trick is not to have unrealistic aims - something which I am renowned for when it comes to my own weight control. I am limiting how much I am exercising and even enforcing a 'rest' day, this is quite difficult as I then have to limit my food intake much more dramatically to stick to the 1100 calories I am allowed without the exercise. Some days I do great, others not so great. But, hey, that's life I suppose.

So there we have it. Let's hope the mantra is still working next week ;)

Onwards and downwards.

The Corpse Couple

Before the Party

A very quick post today - I have a hangover. These are photos of Jack and I dressed up for a Halloween fancy dress party. Very silly but also very good fun - something I wouldn't have dared to do 12 months ago.

Spooky picture before the guests arrived

I had eaten a sherbet Lolly to give myself a green mouth! Well that was my excuse for eating it!

Weight-wise I am 11.12lbs - very happy. Band-wise it's still up and down but, I have found that I can eat certain makes of pre-cooked, flavoured, chicken breasts. I've eaten a pack for lunch every day this week with only a couple of PBs - mainly when I've eaten too fast and not chewed properly. It takes a whole afternoon to eat a pack but, it seems to help with the hunger pangs and it's soooooo nice to eat meat. I am such a carnivore!

Never mind, I'm chuffed at how things are going again and I even had a pig-fest on Friday night! Onwards and downwards.

The Corpse Couple after too many glasses of wine (uhuh - I hadn't realised I'd managed to drink my make-up off!)

Protein and Bingeing

"Go on - You know you want me"

Just a quickie really. I've had a bit of a bingey couple of days. The desire to binge is always so strong and I constantly just feel a chocolate bar away from a full-on wagon-fall. However, I am doing something that I have always shy-ed away from - recording exactly how much I consume in a binge. Even when I was I was having CBT for my eating issues I just couldn't bring myself to commit the truth to paper. Who exactly was I fooling? Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on past negatives.


So I am now recording (on that website I previously mentioned), everything that passes my lips. Everything. And boy is it an eye-opener. Not just because I am more aware of how much I must have been consuming pre-band but, also because the website has a nifty function that gives you a daily nutritional profile. It gives you a pie-chart of the percentage of your daily intake you have got from protein, carbs, fat, alcohol etc. On the whole I favour carbs over protein and fats. To the point where my fat is low but so is my protein. It is certainly helping me be a little more sensible (on the whole) and try and get a more balanced intake.


I still love my crapolla. I think I need to 'schedule' a pig-out at least once a week to feed my demons. By looking back on my food and exercise diaries on the website, I have noticed the pattern of a Saturday night pig-fest. What I did this week and last, was to cut back on the calories in the day - but making sure what I did have was from high protein and fruit (a bit of chicken, boiled egg and fruit smoothie) and then I allowed myself a tube of Jaffa Cakes, an Ice Cream Mars and 4 packets of Skips.


The other side of the equation was I have been exercising daily. Yesterday I did a long walk (10 miles - my longest yet) which sounds excessive but, was thoroughly invigorating - and bear in mind I am training to walk a marathon. Having 'earned' my pig-fest, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes, I feel guilty and quite greedy. But, at least I don't have the overwhelming thought that, "I've blown it now, I may as well eat what I want today because I can't possibly start my 'diet' again until Monday" (Why can diets only start on a Monday? Is that just me and my ridiculous concrete thinking?). So today I am having my full calorie allowance, going for a gentle ramble with my best mate and will make healthier choices in what I do eat.


If I sound smug, I really don't mean to. It is a precarious line that I walk and I know that I easily stray. But, those are my intentions for today.


Right I'm off to do a shop now - need some strawberries for my smoothies :)
Onwards and downwards.

The Corpse Bride

"Mmm decomposition seems a drastic way to lose weight"

So… How are things going this week?

Well, my weight is down to 12 stone again … so tantalisingly close to being 11 stone something that it almost hurts! I haven’t been 11 stone something since June 1998. How sad is that that I can actually remember? Hopefully by next week I’ll have broken through that barrier – it’s as much psychological as anything else.


It’s been an up and down week bandwise. I think work stresses and lady hormones have had a big part to play in the inevitable tightening of the band .. It kind of shocks me now that I wanted tight restriction, I remember the dietician saying that after my last fill that I may not manage solid food until the evening and I remember thinking that it would be ok. The reality is that I couldn’t possibly live without eating all day – it drives me quite, quite mad.

Some days I wonder whether the band has actually been a sensible decision, mainly when I have my head down the loo having eaten a crumb too quickly ;) I am very much split in whether the band is actually a good idea or not – especially for someone like me who has deep rooted, binge eating behaviour. I have found that my binge eating has morphed into a whole raft of other impulsive behaviours and the head stuff is a much greater aspect of my obesity than I ever realised. I am managing (most of the time) now to not go on ridiculous spending sprees or to drink 2 bottles of red wine of a Saturday (completely out of character for me – I really couldn’t give a sod about booze normally). But it is food for thought, if you’ll pardon the pun.

I suppose my concern about the band is that when I struggle with sensible food, I get so frustrated that I go straight to the rubbish. In a way, I am more at risk of eating unhealthily than I was before the band – it was just the volume of food – healthy or not – that I ate that was the problem. Now I can still eat a substantial volume of crappola but not of healthier, more natural stuff. In the summer this was a real issue for me and I must say that it takes all of my willpower to make myself persevere with the healthy stuff. Also my hair started to come out in handfuls in the summer – another thing that really got me down. I don’t think that it was any coincidence that it happened when my diet was poor and that it has stopped now that I have really tightened the reigns on the nonsense.

This is my strategy in the week:
Breakfast: 1 Oatabix, 30g prunes (cut up into little bits), 100ml of warm semi-skimmed milk.
Lunch: 1 bowl of homemade soup – I am trying to cram in my vegetables in this way where possible.
Snack: 1 multi-pack of snack-a-jacks.
Mid-afternoon: A home-made smoothie made from a low-fat yogurt and 3 portions of different fruit.
Dinner: A small portion of a sensible dinner with lots of protein – blended up so that I can actually eat it all.
Supper: A slice of cake, a bar of chocolate or something else nice.

My calorie intake is roughly 1300-1500 calories a day (dependent on the amount of crapolla scoffed at night) but I am trying to do 700 calories worth of exercise a day so that I can eat the crap and still lose weight every week.

If I am honest with myself, I know I wouldn’t have lost the amount that I have and not put it all back on already if it wasn’t for the band. But, I am finding it difficult to compromise, especially when the urge to pig is strong. Still, I think I am lucky to have a level of restriction that I can (just about) live with. Clearly the exercise is the key to consistent weight loss and I need enough food to be able to do that without putting my body into starvation mode. My ultimate aim is to be able to eat 2000 calories a day and have a level of exercise that isn’t extreme and feels fun to do AND to maintain my weight. So I guess what I actually want is to be ‘normal’.

My head issues are sometimes a little out of control at the moment – not just the head hunger but, the obsessing about my weight and compulsively trying to work out how much I will weigh in 3 months time if I lose an allotted amount each week. For me this is a bit of a warning sign because I will get frustrated when I don’t achieve the self-imposed targets. I find myself fantasising that I will be 10 stone by February (a year since having the band fitted) and this is not really the best way for my mind to wander. Actually, just committing it to the blog is probably a good start. I must try not to become blinkered!

Something that kind of demonstrates that my head is a bit lala at the moment is my overly-optimistic guesstimating of what size dress I may actually be. I am going to a fancy dress birthday party next Saturday and the theme is Halloween, given the time of year. The hosts have warned everyone to actually make an effort with their costumes and, 12 months ago I would have made up an excuse not to go. This year I am actually quite excited. That was until I started to put together my costume and realised I was becoming somewhat deluded at what size I am. I am going as the Corpse Bride and have got my wig, body paint, bouquet and had bought a cheap, second hand wedding dress from ebay. Let’s just say that I am NOT a size 14. The only way that dress will do up is if I have several ribs removed and both my bosoms made into shoulder pads! But I do have a plan and it involves elastic, d-rings and lots of ribbon. I may actually be brave and post a picture of myself in the costume next week. Watch this space.

Onwards and downwards.

High-Ho, High-Ho, It's Earning Calories I Go

Blythe was disgusted that the same picture had been used twice!

Howdy folks :)

Well, I haven’t done very well with updating the blog weekly. Ooops. Still, here goes.

Weight: 12.2lbs.
Weight lost since last post: 6lbs – (rather chuffed with that)
Total Weight loss since per-op diet: 4 stone 1lb.


I am still managing (somehow) to cling to the ‘losing side’ and I’m having to really pay attention to my horrendous ‘all or nothing’ attitude. This is how I am doing it at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am having good and bad days but, the good days are more frequent and the bad days aren’t quite so extreme. There is no doubt about it – I can categorically state that I am an emotional eater and this is sometimes scuppering the best laid plans. Sorry, I digress.

One thing I did when I had my recent epiphany at the obesity clinic, was to join a calorie counting website. There are many out there but, I am finding the weight loss resources site (http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/) an absolute eye opener. The only downside is that is subscription only but, after I did the 3 day free trial, I was hooked!

The reason it’s been an eye-opener is that it works out the calories in any exercise that you do and then ‘credits’ your daily calorie allowance with them. Finally I have realised my biggest downfall. I was cutting my calories to around the 1200 per day mark and was then doing shed loads of exercise and not adjusting my intake accordingly. The result? I was knackered all the time and the exercise was feeling punishing. Over the last 2 weeks I have lost 6lbs on around 1700 calories a day. Those extra 500 calories are keeping me sane! Ridiculous, I know, but I feel no guilt when I eat my ‘naughties’ because I have, quite literally earned them. It’s also so much easier to keep track of what I am eating as I can update my ‘diary’ online at any time. Marvellous.

I’m somebody who cannot rely on the band to monitor my intake, which I know is the point of the band, but, I hate having tight restriction. In the initial weeks leading up to the operation and the first months after, having good restriction was my Holy Grail. However, once I’d achieved that, the realisation of such limited options, coupled with my inability to eat ANYTHING even remotely healthy without PBing for Britain, sent me spiralling into a really dark place. I was trying to give my body the nourishment that it needed and it was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted, i.e. only allowing me to eat the easy crap. I just didn’t have the mental energy to fight it in the summer and got lazy.

My restriction is as unpredictable as the weather. I immediately know the days when it is tight as I have heart burn from the moment I wake up. However, stress plays a major part in this and, unfortunately for me, I am not as laid back as I have always thought myself to be. Clearly I strive to project laid back confidence and am good at that, except for all that tension/frustration/irritation just gets ‘internalised’ and I eat to cope. Now the eating part is so limited, those feelings seem to tighten my band as tight as a cat’s bum-hole. This is the part that has caused so much of my difficulties.

Take this for starters. I have had a truly impossible case at work. This guy has an alcohol addiction, had been dry for 18 months, and basically if he drinks alcohol again he will be putting his health in grave danger. Anyway, the long and short of it was that he had started drinking again (110 units PER DAY – I had to work it out), and we don’t see people who are actively drinking in our service. I was trying to fight this guy’s corner as I knew that the consultant would simply discharge him and I didn’t feel we had given him a fighting chance. It was hugely stressful for me personally as every time he talked about his addiction, I could have swapped the word ‘drinking’ for ‘eating’ and it was like hearing myself trying to describe my issues with food. I am not an alcohol worker, the situation was less than ideal and working with people with addictions is about as far away from my expertise as I can get. Anyway, as the law of sod would have it, he lived opposite a McDonalds Drive-Thru. I am not a fan of McDonalds. I found myself there after every session, desperately trying to stuff fries, nuggets, anything down my neck. Nothing would stay down – not even a chuffing McFlurry. Yet, I still tried. It was my low-point.

I have stopped fighting my band now. Ok, to get my protein and vegetables in, I have to blend my bloody dinners. They still don’t always go down. It can take me 2 days to eat a small, blended portion of chilli and roast vegetables. I managed to PB on soup Wednesday lunchtime – go figure?
I miss my ability to calm myself down with food. I dread eating out and want to kill my colleagues when they insist on trying to have a conversation with me when I am trying to eat some lunch.

Yet the crapola just slips down…. Grrrrr :(

Sorry I am being a moaner now. I’m actually in fine fettle this week, but there is definitely a grieving process that I am going through in terms of my lifestyle changes. Luckily being able to fit into a pair of size 14 Gap jeans seems to be making up for it!

Have a good week and onwards and downwards.