Happy New Year

Sorry for not posting for a while. I've not fallen off the wagon but it is a bit of a long story.

Everything was going well up until November. I had a student with me for 3 months and by November she was seriously doing my head in. I can't comment in detail about it but, suffice to say, I wasn't expecting her to pass the placement, despite all my best efforts to make her experience as straight forward as possible.

One night in November I had a particularly severe PBing episode. I'd not tried to eat anything radical but, clearly stress was playing a role. The next day I woke up feeling as if my throat was 3 feet wide... Just under my chin where your salivary glands live. I thought it would settle down and went onto soup for a couple of days. To no avail.... As Christmas approached my life's circumstances were about to go tits up. My mother and father have run a family business for 35 years. It's been struggling but basically has always pulled through. My other half and brother also work there. The Friday before Xmas the proverbial hit the fan and everyone was put on short time ... with no foreseeable work in the future.

As you can imagine Xmas had a somewhat severe undercurrent of stress to it ... despite everyone trying their best to put on a happy front.

So that's the background and, hardly surprisingly, my band was tighter than a nun's chuff. I spent Xmas feeling ill, not being able to eat and for the first time I was getting acid reflux. New Year's Eve we couldn't face going out and I spent the evening producing copious quantities of slime even with the tiniest morsel of food. Liquids were fine and I was still able to get them down ok, but only if they were piping hot. No cold liquid would go down at all - uhuh, I had a surprisingly sober Xmas. Things came to a head when I started to wake up choking on my stomach acid and I knew I had to take drastic action.

I know I should have rang the hospital and booked in for a defill but, I haven't had a fill for 7 months so, why it should tighten so dramatically and overnight was beyond me. Had it slipped? Had I stretched my oesophagus? In true 'sticking my head in the sand' style I decided to try and sit it out. After all, Xmas was over and I was returning to a more peaceful work environment. I went back to thin liquids for a week and now I am on liquids and mushies. However my swallowing has been effected and the only way I can get even soup down is to alternate between mouthfuls of hot water. If I am not concentrating and I have a drink, it now seems to go directly down my windpipe. Scared? Me? That's an understatement.

Last night, after 2 weeks on fluids and mushies, I went to the hospital. I spoke with the dietitican and I am going for an urgent barium swallow with a view to a de-fill. I am completely ambivalent about it. On one hand I am extremely worried about what they'll find and that the problems are not just stress related. Then, on the other, I am desperate to try and eat somewhat normally... I would love some chicken and salad. The only definite worry I have is hunger. Currently I have not actually experienced any physical hunger for months. I have to make myself eat as I could happily not eat at all. My worry is that I'll have a de-fill and the hunger pangs will come back... I love not being hungry. It is such a liberating feeling to look at food and think, "I'd rather poke my eye out than put it in my mouth!". The demon sitting on my shoulder is whispering unhealthy thoughts into my head and is loving the whole lack of appetite experience.

Normally when I am stressed I reach immediately to food so to become hungry in this current stressful time is a legitimate fear.

The good news is that I weigh 10st 10lbs. A full 5 1/2 stone down from the start of my pre-op diet and 6 stone down from the autumn prior to that. I have also gotten into the MoonWalk, so I am training in earnest for that. The sensible side of me knows that I have to be able to eat more to sustain my body to train for the marathon.

I'll let you know what happens at the x-ray.

Onwards and downwards.