Missing In Action

Ok, I am rubbish. I apologise for the lack of posting but I really, really fell off the wagon. I am a bugger because when I am 'good' I feel I can post. When I am 'bad', I just can't face what I am doing. Perhaps I should change my name to Ostrich Drama ;)


So ... here goes. These are the facts that I have discovered about myself and my band over the past 3 months:

• I can put on weight very easily - even with the band.
• I have emotional eating issues that I need to get a handle on (no shit Sherlock!)
• I am more likely to binge if my band is too tight - strange, moi?

So, how on earth have I managed to put on weight with the band? Surprisingly easily as it happens. My need to binge has absolutely nothing to do with physical hunger nor is it placated by feelings of fullness. This is an extremely scary conclusion that has taken months of 'hand-wringing' to reach.

My weight shot back up to 13 stone just prior to my second (and last) fill. I got a right royal bollocking from the radiologist - because, clearly, I wasn't pissed off with myself enough. He filled me as tight as a drum and I began back on my home-made smoothies and soup for a week. However, when I tried to introduce solids back, nothing would stay down. This is where the emotional eating really kicked in. I was so frustrated and generally fed up that I ended up completely cheating and eating all the easy crapolla again. Result? 3 weeks after I had the fill I was 13 1/2 stone. Marvelous. Well done me. I resorted back to full on couch potato mode and didn't swim or walk for 2 months.

So where am I now? Well, I have been getting my head round some of my issues and have forced myself to try and eat decent, nutritious food again. My band has loosened off again and, although it can be a frustrating struggle, I am making myself eat the sensible stuff before I let myself have an element of crapolla. I started swimming again and am training for the MoonWalk. So my weight is back down to 12 stone 8lbs and I feel a whole lot better.

Something else happened that gave me the psychological jolt that I needed. I had been referred back to the dreaded Obesity Clinic. It just so happened that it coincided with the height of my binge induced madness. I saw the consultant for the first time and had put on weight from the previous month's appointment. He calculated that I had actually lost 60% of my excess weight and should therefore view the operation as a success. He then went on to lecture me on accepting that I would never weigh less than 13 stone and putting my energy into simply maintaining my weight. He instructed me not to lose weight but to maintain my weight at 13.5lbs for the next month.

Now, call me contrary. Call me a deluded fool. Just don't tell me that I am not allowed to do something. I can't accept that I am going to be 3 stones overweight for the rest of my life. It simply isn't an option. So, yep, that was the morning that I got back with the programme. I can see he was trying to speak sense. I know that my personal expectations are, at times, totally unrealistic. So this is my revised aim:

1. To get to 10 and a half stone in the next 6 months.
2. To swim every morning before work - I can spend an hour in traffic or an hour in the pool. No contest really.
3. To walk the MoonWalk in May 2008.
4. To update my blog once a week.

Clearly the exercise has to be a priority and I need to find a way to reach a balance between not being obsessive about the amount that I 'should' do (ie. I was setting myself stupid targets like, 6 mile walks every day and 2 hours swimming 5 days per week - I know, I know - absolutely ridiculous) and not doing any at all in my own twisted rebellion at the harsh regime. So I have cut the swimming down to an hour maximum in the morning and am following a specific training plan with my walking that is sooooooooo much more realistic.

I'll try and update the blog every weekend now - warts and all. It's funny really that the band itself has taken a back seat to all these other issues. I don't regret it at all - I am so much lighter and fitter - but it has also forced me to confront the reality that my over-eating is a symptom of a much more complex problem. The problem being how I deal with life and my feelings about it. And I suppose that, ultimately, that can only be a good thing.

Altogether now, Onwards and downwards (except in a more thoughtful and somewhat more sensible way)!