Blythe was disgusted that the same picture had been used twice!
Howdy folks :)
Well, I haven’t done very well with updating the blog weekly. Ooops. Still, here goes.
Weight: 12.2lbs.
Weight lost since last post: 6lbs – (rather chuffed with that)
Total Weight loss since per-op diet: 4 stone 1lb.
I am still managing (somehow) to cling to the ‘losing side’ and I’m having to really pay attention to my horrendous ‘all or nothing’ attitude. This is how I am doing it at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am having good and bad days but, the good days are more frequent and the bad days aren’t quite so extreme. There is no doubt about it – I can categorically state that I am an emotional eater and this is sometimes scuppering the best laid plans. Sorry, I digress.
One thing I did when I had my recent epiphany at the obesity clinic, was to join a calorie counting website. There are many out there but, I am finding the weight loss resources site (http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/) an absolute eye opener. The only downside is that is subscription only but, after I did the 3 day free trial, I was hooked!
The reason it’s been an eye-opener is that it works out the calories in any exercise that you do and then ‘credits’ your daily calorie allowance with them. Finally I have realised my biggest downfall. I was cutting my calories to around the 1200 per day mark and was then doing shed loads of exercise and not adjusting my intake accordingly. The result? I was knackered all the time and the exercise was feeling punishing. Over the last 2 weeks I have lost 6lbs on around 1700 calories a day. Those extra 500 calories are keeping me sane! Ridiculous, I know, but I feel no guilt when I eat my ‘naughties’ because I have, quite literally earned them. It’s also so much easier to keep track of what I am eating as I can update my ‘diary’ online at any time. Marvellous.
I’m somebody who cannot rely on the band to monitor my intake, which I know is the point of the band, but, I hate having tight restriction. In the initial weeks leading up to the operation and the first months after, having good restriction was my Holy Grail. However, once I’d achieved that, the realisation of such limited options, coupled with my inability to eat ANYTHING even remotely healthy without PBing for Britain, sent me spiralling into a really dark place. I was trying to give my body the nourishment that it needed and it was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted, i.e. only allowing me to eat the easy crap. I just didn’t have the mental energy to fight it in the summer and got lazy.
My restriction is as unpredictable as the weather. I immediately know the days when it is tight as I have heart burn from the moment I wake up. However, stress plays a major part in this and, unfortunately for me, I am not as laid back as I have always thought myself to be. Clearly I strive to project laid back confidence and am good at that, except for all that tension/frustration/irritation just gets ‘internalised’ and I eat to cope. Now the eating part is so limited, those feelings seem to tighten my band as tight as a cat’s bum-hole. This is the part that has caused so much of my difficulties.
Take this for starters. I have had a truly impossible case at work. This guy has an alcohol addiction, had been dry for 18 months, and basically if he drinks alcohol again he will be putting his health in grave danger. Anyway, the long and short of it was that he had started drinking again (110 units PER DAY – I had to work it out), and we don’t see people who are actively drinking in our service. I was trying to fight this guy’s corner as I knew that the consultant would simply discharge him and I didn’t feel we had given him a fighting chance. It was hugely stressful for me personally as every time he talked about his addiction, I could have swapped the word ‘drinking’ for ‘eating’ and it was like hearing myself trying to describe my issues with food. I am not an alcohol worker, the situation was less than ideal and working with people with addictions is about as far away from my expertise as I can get. Anyway, as the law of sod would have it, he lived opposite a McDonalds Drive-Thru. I am not a fan of McDonalds. I found myself there after every session, desperately trying to stuff fries, nuggets, anything down my neck. Nothing would stay down – not even a chuffing McFlurry. Yet, I still tried. It was my low-point.
I have stopped fighting my band now. Ok, to get my protein and vegetables in, I have to blend my bloody dinners. They still don’t always go down. It can take me 2 days to eat a small, blended portion of chilli and roast vegetables. I managed to PB on soup Wednesday lunchtime – go figure?
I miss my ability to calm myself down with food. I dread eating out and want to kill my colleagues when they insist on trying to have a conversation with me when I am trying to eat some lunch.
Yet the crapola just slips down…. Grrrrr :(
Sorry I am being a moaner now. I’m actually in fine fettle this week, but there is definitely a grieving process that I am going through in terms of my lifestyle changes. Luckily being able to fit into a pair of size 14 Gap jeans seems to be making up for it!
Have a good week and onwards and downwards.
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