The Corpse Bride

"Mmm decomposition seems a drastic way to lose weight"

So… How are things going this week?

Well, my weight is down to 12 stone again … so tantalisingly close to being 11 stone something that it almost hurts! I haven’t been 11 stone something since June 1998. How sad is that that I can actually remember? Hopefully by next week I’ll have broken through that barrier – it’s as much psychological as anything else.


It’s been an up and down week bandwise. I think work stresses and lady hormones have had a big part to play in the inevitable tightening of the band .. It kind of shocks me now that I wanted tight restriction, I remember the dietician saying that after my last fill that I may not manage solid food until the evening and I remember thinking that it would be ok. The reality is that I couldn’t possibly live without eating all day – it drives me quite, quite mad.

Some days I wonder whether the band has actually been a sensible decision, mainly when I have my head down the loo having eaten a crumb too quickly ;) I am very much split in whether the band is actually a good idea or not – especially for someone like me who has deep rooted, binge eating behaviour. I have found that my binge eating has morphed into a whole raft of other impulsive behaviours and the head stuff is a much greater aspect of my obesity than I ever realised. I am managing (most of the time) now to not go on ridiculous spending sprees or to drink 2 bottles of red wine of a Saturday (completely out of character for me – I really couldn’t give a sod about booze normally). But it is food for thought, if you’ll pardon the pun.

I suppose my concern about the band is that when I struggle with sensible food, I get so frustrated that I go straight to the rubbish. In a way, I am more at risk of eating unhealthily than I was before the band – it was just the volume of food – healthy or not – that I ate that was the problem. Now I can still eat a substantial volume of crappola but not of healthier, more natural stuff. In the summer this was a real issue for me and I must say that it takes all of my willpower to make myself persevere with the healthy stuff. Also my hair started to come out in handfuls in the summer – another thing that really got me down. I don’t think that it was any coincidence that it happened when my diet was poor and that it has stopped now that I have really tightened the reigns on the nonsense.

This is my strategy in the week:
Breakfast: 1 Oatabix, 30g prunes (cut up into little bits), 100ml of warm semi-skimmed milk.
Lunch: 1 bowl of homemade soup – I am trying to cram in my vegetables in this way where possible.
Snack: 1 multi-pack of snack-a-jacks.
Mid-afternoon: A home-made smoothie made from a low-fat yogurt and 3 portions of different fruit.
Dinner: A small portion of a sensible dinner with lots of protein – blended up so that I can actually eat it all.
Supper: A slice of cake, a bar of chocolate or something else nice.

My calorie intake is roughly 1300-1500 calories a day (dependent on the amount of crapolla scoffed at night) but I am trying to do 700 calories worth of exercise a day so that I can eat the crap and still lose weight every week.

If I am honest with myself, I know I wouldn’t have lost the amount that I have and not put it all back on already if it wasn’t for the band. But, I am finding it difficult to compromise, especially when the urge to pig is strong. Still, I think I am lucky to have a level of restriction that I can (just about) live with. Clearly the exercise is the key to consistent weight loss and I need enough food to be able to do that without putting my body into starvation mode. My ultimate aim is to be able to eat 2000 calories a day and have a level of exercise that isn’t extreme and feels fun to do AND to maintain my weight. So I guess what I actually want is to be ‘normal’.

My head issues are sometimes a little out of control at the moment – not just the head hunger but, the obsessing about my weight and compulsively trying to work out how much I will weigh in 3 months time if I lose an allotted amount each week. For me this is a bit of a warning sign because I will get frustrated when I don’t achieve the self-imposed targets. I find myself fantasising that I will be 10 stone by February (a year since having the band fitted) and this is not really the best way for my mind to wander. Actually, just committing it to the blog is probably a good start. I must try not to become blinkered!

Something that kind of demonstrates that my head is a bit lala at the moment is my overly-optimistic guesstimating of what size dress I may actually be. I am going to a fancy dress birthday party next Saturday and the theme is Halloween, given the time of year. The hosts have warned everyone to actually make an effort with their costumes and, 12 months ago I would have made up an excuse not to go. This year I am actually quite excited. That was until I started to put together my costume and realised I was becoming somewhat deluded at what size I am. I am going as the Corpse Bride and have got my wig, body paint, bouquet and had bought a cheap, second hand wedding dress from ebay. Let’s just say that I am NOT a size 14. The only way that dress will do up is if I have several ribs removed and both my bosoms made into shoulder pads! But I do have a plan and it involves elastic, d-rings and lots of ribbon. I may actually be brave and post a picture of myself in the costume next week. Watch this space.

Onwards and downwards.