So I'm going to share a secret. I have a secret longing to 'vamp' it up. In the past, whenever I felt my weight was low enough, and I had that rush of confidence that you only seem to get get when you've lost weight and feel good with yourself. I used to feel able to dress in a way that felt more like 'me'. I was never one to follow the crowd and used to revel in looking different (funny that looking 'fat' different never feels as good). I was forever drawn to charity shops and used to drive my mum barmy with my love of 50's and 60's clothes.
As I got older and the yoyos would reach even bigger highs, this side of me seemed to get buried (quite literally) and I found that the last thing I wanted was to be noticed. Suddenly being noticed was for having a body I felt ashamed of. Being the fattest girl in the uber cool bar. It's also difficult to be glamorous when you're bursting out of your size 22's or men's clothes.
This is where I've been recently. Self-esteem rattling around floor level. Punishing myself for my weight by denying simple pleasures in life such as having my hair done (ummm think it's a year at the moment - and even then it was a 'mobile hairdresser' who put me some subtle highlights in at home at Xmas 2005. I use both the word 'hairdresser' and the term 'subtle highlights' in their loosest terms as I what I ended up with was bright burgundy and white stripes in my hair. Yes, I had become Bagpuss). Marvelous. Just what I needed to boost my self esteem.
I digress. But you get my general point. I've been feeling ugly, unattractive and undeserving of any pampering. Well sod that! 2007 is bringing about some changes.
A turning point came whilst watching the 'Faking it - Burlesque Special' at Xmas. I found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks (it's the melondrama again) and clapping for the lass who faked it as a Burlesque artist. I love the glamour of Burlesque - not in a pervy way mind - but in the attitude. Immodesty Blaize (the burlesque mentor) was so sensitive and positive to her student, who, although did not have a weight problem, was plagued with self doubt and low self esteem. My cockles were thoroughly warmed. One of the tips she gave her student was the tool of an alter ego, the approach was that although she herself may not feel she could do something, her alter ego could. This really struck a cord with me and in the New Year my alter ego was born....
I'd like to introduce you to .... Fernie Fields. Taa Daah! She still needs some work and is very shy but, by jimminy, give her a few months and she'll be waving the feather boa about with the best of them. All in the comfort of her own home I hasten to add. Jack Sprat fell in love with the glamorous me and I do feel sorry for him being lumbered with the current version.
Aaaaaaaanyway, to aid Fernie in her development I have bought her an alternative workout DVD. So far it has only been watched and attempted in a comedy fashion but I highly recommend it. It's hilarious and actually makes the whole exercise 'ordeal' a scream.
You need a DVD player that is multi-region. The cheap ones normally are and I'm not ashamed to say that ours was very cheap :)
So there you have it. That's one of the goals of my weight loss campaign - rediscover my glamorous side ... I know Fernie Fields is in there somewhere.
More melondramas coming soon. I'll leave you with Zorita below ... she's from the old school burlesque tradition and I raise my hat to her.
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