The Demons are Haunting Me

6 Weeks and 4 days post-op
Weight: 13 stone 6lbs
Weight loss: 2 stone 11lbs


Here’s the thing, I don’t blog when things are more difficult. I’m not sure why because I expect it would help me. What is going so wrong then? Well it’s that pesky demon on my shoulder that tells me to eat. There also seems to be a pattern to these feelings and that is that it is happening at the weekends. To compound all that I have absolutely no restriction anymore and know that my first fill is at least 6 weeks away (stop it Negative Nelly).

The majority of the time I am holding it together. I am now on ‘soft’ foods but in reality I am able to now eat more or less what I want. But the intrusive, bingeing thoughts have tormented me for a week. Last week I ate 2 boxes of oatcakes, a pack of cookies and 2 packs of Jaffa cakes. Not all at the same time but it was on top of my ‘allowed’ calories. The evenings are definitely the worse time. Again, I am hugely aware that this is because I am watching the telly – even if I am limiting how much I watch. My weight had gotten down to 13stone 4lbs but shot back up to 13 stone 8lbs on Sunday and is now back to 13 stone 6lbs today (Tuesday). Oh yes, I am also obsessively weighing myself again.

It is hard to accept that I will probably never be free of my food demons; I just need to work really hard at trying to live with them in a healthy manner. It’s just that other factors do seem to make the struggle all the more difficult. For example, I have been 100% more irritable since the start of this journey and I have to really bite my tongue to stop myself from exploding some days. Somebody mentioned at a support group that they felt more irritable since weight loss surgery and the consensus was that it was hormonal. This has bugged me as I really don’t agree. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and have had raging hormones for a couple of years. I know that this is physically true because of all the blood tests I have had to have (bloody vampires). Since starting my pre-op diet I have had 2 normal periods (the first time this has happened in 3 years) and yesterday I got the blood test results back that conformed that my hormone levels were approaching the acceptable range. Can you see why I’m not sure it is the hormones causing the irritability? Basically if it was hormonal then my irritability would be worse BEFORE weight loss surgery, not after when the hormones are actually becoming normal. Therefore it must be something else. This is only my opinion, but, I think that the irritability is down to losing the emotional crutch / comfort blanket that over-eating provided. Over-eating is one of my coping strategies. Without it I am much more vulnerable to the stresses and worries that life throws at me. The thought patterns to go and eat after a difficult session with a patient is so automatic that I have to consciously stop myself. The build up of anxiety after a day at work used to be dissipated through my own personal TV picnic in the evening. I can’t do any of this now. Well I can, but it defeats the object of having surgery in the first place.

So what to do about it then? I have decided to set myself some goals. However, they are not weight loss goals. I have a wedding to go to in 2 months and a hen weekend in 6 weeks. I have become a bit of a recluse since January and none of my friends on the hen weekend know about the surgery. I have become almost phobic about weddings over the past couple of years and have avoided the last 2 weddings I was invited to which has caused no end of grief for me as the last one was for a really close friend. Basically I hate the dressing up, no, that’s not true, it’s the shopping that I hate. It always ends in tears. Then I spend the next few weeks mithering that I will be the fattest person there and all of the people who haven’t seen me for years will be gossiping about how I’ve let myself go. How bloody self-obsessed is that? My usual coping strategy is to drink as much as possible and then, when I am absolutely plonkered, I become convinced that I am the best dancer there. The shame of it. I watched a friend’s wedding video a couple of weeks after the event and blimey, my face looked like a smacked arse as she walked down the aisle. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for the bride in the dress, you’d have sworn I was at a funeral and then, just a few hours later, there’s horrific footage of me, ‘busting some moves’... busting out of my size 24 suit is more like it ;)

Anyway, for the first time in years I am really looking forward to both the hen do and the wedding. I have booked myself in to have my hair done the day before the wedding and I have booked annual leave the Friday and Monday after the hen weekend just so I’m not too knackered.

So my goals are these:

1. To exercise daily for the next 8 weeks. I am starting swimming again at the beginning of next month and will continue to walk in the evenings.
2. To eat a healthy and balanced diet with the occasional treat planned into it.
3. To buy a new pair of jeans for the hen weekend (and not punish myself by denying clothes until I am X weight).
4. To buy an outfit for the wedding and to actually enjoy the shopping experience.
5. To only weigh myself on a Saturday.

I have deliberately not set myself any target weights before the wedding – and don’t think that I haven’t been tempted because I have had to actively stop myself from thinking about it.

So there you are. I am going to be positive as this is clearly a danger time for me. Under normal circumstances I would be bingeing my head off right now but, for some reason that I cannot quite get my head round, I seem to be able to dust myself off and start again. Now that is a change for the better :)

Onwards and downwards.