I have been trying desperately to figure out what is happening in my crazy mind… It’s funny that for all these years that I have tried to diet that I have put so much energy into the actual eating plan and so little into the psychological aspect of my over-eating. I have had CBT on the NHS for my bingeing but, although it was at a specialist eating disorders clinic, I just wasn’t able to engage in the programme. I’ve been thinking about why this was and I have come to the conclusion that it was because they were trying to stop me from worrying about putting on weight. They were trying to actively stop me dieting but this just resulted in me piling on the pounds. All I could think about was getting discharged as quickly as possible. I was also only 24, had just started a new job and was taking annual leave to attend the appointments as I felt too stigmatized to tell my new boss why I needed the time off.
I am now 33 and I feel ready to tackle the psychological side of my eating. I am not having any therapy for it but I am using all the tools in my ‘toolkit’ as a therapist myself to try and get a handle on things. I am reading up an awful lot about binge eating, obesity, food addiction and the environment that we are surrounded with (media, fast food, changing eating habits, advertising, lifestyles, etc). This is helping a great deal as I am not in denial about my issues at the moment but, I think the fact that I am losing weight at the same time is helping enormously.
This year I have made a couple of major life changes too. I was aware that I filled my spare time with things that were emotionally and mentally draining. I had assisted in setting up and running a charity and had been using three quarters of my annual leave for the past 2 years on it. On top of that I was doing my Masters at university (a 200 mile round-trip every week). I have been quite selfish but I have resigned from the charity (it is perfectly able to function without me and that is how it should be). Although I was doing extremely well at university I decided that it wasn’t actually adding anything to my life except huge amounts of stress. It wouldn’t increase my salary. Yes, it was interesting but ultimately it was also a huge drain on me, in terms of money, time and mental energy. I work full time on top of this so it’s not as though I’ll be getting bored, lol.
So, without that little lot on my shoulders, I am in a much better position to actually help myself and not be such a martyr. I am putting me first for the first time in years. I am investing time in helping myself without all of these other distractions and boy, does it feel good.
So, all in all, I am making some positive steps to tackle my over-eating issues. One of the things that I am trying to do is to make walking one of my daily priorities. If nothing else is going right I am still going to walk. It may be dark, it may be bloody snowing, but I am going to make sure that I walk for at least an hour a day. It is my new coping strategy to replace over-eating. If I over-eat then I don’t feel like walking. If I walk I do feel less like bingeing even if I am genuinely hungrier.
I’ll post more about some of my strategies over this week. Suffice to say giving myself a strict talking to has been one of them :)
Onwards and downwards.
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