Dining Room Dillema

"This is NOT my dining room - I wish it was though!"

Day 27 Post-Op


I am officially an awful person. What have I done that is so distressing? Well, yesterday I informed my beloved that as of Thursday evening we would be eating our evening meal at the dining table in our totally misused dining room. Truly I am an ogre ;)

As do many people, Jack and I have gotten into the habit of eating our meals either:

a) On the settee in front of the telly.

b) At the desk upstairs in front of our computers.

c) In bed(!) alone whilst watching a different TV channel to the person downstairs.

We have a lovely little dining room with a table that is currently used as the dumping ground for our work bags, our car keys and the post. Not forgetting that the coats / hats / scarves are conveniently hung on the back of the chairs. The irony is that we have to walk through the dining room with our meals on route to another part of the house.

The only time we ever sit at the dining room now is when we have friends over for dinner. It’s not a particularly sensible situation.

The dietician first suggested that, post operatively, I should establish a routine of eating meals at the table. Actually that’s a big, fat fib. My mom ALWAYS lays the table to eat – even if she is eating alone. When Jack and I first went out together we would always eat at the table, light candles and listen to music. It’s shameful that we have gotten so slack about it.

Anyway, I was reading a book recently that devoted a chapter to ‘disappearing dining tables’. The book is called, ‘Bad Food Britain – How a nation ruined its appetite’ by Joanna Blythman . It’s a great read and this chapter gives a particularly compelling argument as to why we should devote more time to sitting down to eat together. I’m going to sum up the main points that fascinated me.

1) In 1997 a poll found that two-thirds of British families had given up traditional dinnertime for eating in front of the television. By 2004 another study found that 20% of families ate together once a week or even less.

2) 1999 Oxo admitted that the image of a family sitting down to eat was no longer appropriate. Britons in the 21st century did not sit down to eat at the table anymore and, “the idea of preparing a roast dinner from scratch was considered by most advertisers as a bridge too far for the majority of modern Britons”.

3) One in four homes does not have a dining table.

4) 75% of French people eat their lunch and their dinner at the family table.

5) Nearly half the meals eaten in the UK are now eaten alone. Once upon a time this would be considered sad, now it is considered normal.

Blythman says, “We choose food that is quickly prepared and eat it just as quickly, so missing out on the ceremony and ritual of the table and the conviviality and companionship of eating together. And when we start feeling like eating some more food a couple of hours later, it rarely occurs to us that this is a sort of psychological hunger, an expression of the emotionally unsatisfying and solitary way in which we have eaten.”

Blimey! I had never really considered just how important eating together can be. When I lived in shared houses / flats with friends, the table was the focal point of our home. We would sit at it to have a cuppa, to eat and to socialise. I haven’t lived with friends for 5 years. Whenever we get together, yep, that’s right, we end up in the dining room – not the lounge. Whenever I binge I am on my own and in front of the telly. Umm, beginning to see the link now.

So as of Thursday, the day when I will be starting my ‘puréed phase’ and I can cook the same meal for us both (mine being whizzed up though), we will be eating in the dining room. I’ll put on the fire, light some candles and put on some cool tunage. It will not be like the dining room scene in American Beauty though – lol, I’m not that much of a control freak. But the ground rules are going to be; the evening meal will be eaten in the dining room and dinnertime will last at least half an hour. Seeing as I cook in this house, I feel it is only fair that I decide where we eat it. You listening Jack???

"Dining American Beauty Style"

How the Mighty Tumble

"Blythe tried not to have a fat day after her Friday night naughties"

Day 25 Post-Op
Weight: 14 Stone
Weight Loss: 2 Stone 3lbs


First the good news, I’ve lost another 3lbs. Now the bad news, I have had a blip. I can call it a blip because that was all it was. It was on Friday night and I have been back on track Saturday and today.


My whole blog has been quite positive so far and has been full of success but, I am only human and I slipped. I feel it is important that I shared the hard days as well as the good. I’ve tried not to brood too much about my binge on Friday but I have also made myself face up to it and look at why it happened. I’m a firm believer that we do everything we do for a reason. We may not always recognise what that reason is but, if we look at the circumstances closely enough, we can usually pinpoint the triggers.


I realise that my binge was in response to a nagging financial worry that was hanging over my head. For the past 2 months the NHS trust that I worked for took it upon themselves to pay me half of my monthly salary for no reason. They have acknowledged that this is their mistake and had promised 5 weeks ago to send me a cheque for the significant amount they owed. Surprise, surprise it hasn’t materialised. So by the end of this month I was stuffed. My direct debits and car payment had bounced. The bank, in their infinite wisdom, had decided not to extend my overdraft because, from what they can see, my salary has halved. So I have had a week of being chased by debtors whilst being in a position to do absolutely sweet F.A.


I am due to be paid this Wednesday and am terrified that, not only will I not get what is owed to me (the equivalent to a whole month’s wages) but, be paid half my wage again. So I have had to do something that I absolutely hate having to do, but, I have had to ask my mom for help. Bless her she is going to help me out till Wednesday. I am eternally grateful to her but, it is a position that I hate to be in. I had done a ‘bury my head in the sand’ about it too in the hope that I would be paid the outstanding cash ‘any day now’.


So that was the stressor that was bubbling away in the background. I had underestimated the way it was affecting me and by Friday, following a particularly stressful day at work, I feel it was almost inevitable that something had to give.


I did all the things that I know I shouldn’t.


1) I couldn’t be arsed to go out for a walk and didn’t try to convince myself to either.

2) I isolated myself, was extremely anti-social, went upstairs and watched a film on the pc.

3) I started doing deceitful eating behaviour, i.e. sneaking into the kitchen and nicking food.

4) I didn’t stop myself by blogging or reading.

5) I wrongly convinced myself that I could have ‘just one’of something.

6) I lied to Jack Spratt about what I was doing.

So what was the result? Okay, getting a sense of perspective on it, I didn’t go too mad. I certainly wasn’t anywhere near my previous form of bingeing. In total I had 3 bowls of soup, some dried mango, 6 oatcakes and a handful of cashew nuts. I expect you think that I am making a fuss about nothing but, for me this is quite significant, as it signified me losing control. Usually when I lose control I struggle to regain it again. But, surprisingly I have managed to get back on the wagon.

Firstly I admitted to Jack what I had done. He wasn’t best pleased and was disappointed with me rather than angry. I actually find causing disappointment more upsetting. I then worked out exactly what I had overeaten by in terms of calories. This was fairly easy because I just weighed the nuts to see how much I had eaten. In total I had a shocking 1000 calories on top of my usual 1200. It’s funny but, actually working it out was quite therapeutic. Normally I go into huge denial and can’t even acknowledge it to myself, let alone admit it to someone else. I then made the decision NOT to reduce my calories to try and compensate. So yesterday and today I have been normal. I walked and I ate soup. Today I ended up on a 2 hour walk with a friend who is training for the 26 mile, breast cancer ‘Moon Walk’ in London. This has definitely helped and we have decided to walk together several times a week until the date of the Moon Walk.


Did I have any ill-effects from my over-eating? Yep. I had horrendous chest pain/ache, I went very clammy and I couldn’t get comfy in bed. Plus I had all of the horrible guilt and shitty feelings of being out of control.


I only have another 3 days on the liquid phase and I think my desire for something crunchy just became too much. I also think that I’m not eating enough protein and so I am going to concentrate on getting the protein down me as of the end of the week. I am going to continue to have the same amount of calories (1200) and increase my walking by 15 minutes an evening. It’s funny because I don’t feel particularly hungry, just ‘munchy’. I think that I am going to have to face the fact that everyday is going to be somewhat of a struggle but, if I do some walking and watch the calories, then I will be okay. I’m finding writing down (honestly and accurately) what I have eaten is helping. I find it so easy to conveniently ‘forget’ things that I have noshed :) Also I am weighing / measuring everything. Again, I know that this is somewhat over the top but, I find that I am more likely to stick to the boundaries as opposed to convincing myself 3oz of butter is really 1oz.


So that’s me. They say pride comes before a fall and I certainly was feeling a little cocky. It was so easy to fall back into the old habits and so easy to consume high amounts of calories in such a short space of time. So I’m back to my blog, tail between my legs. Tomorrow I may even wag it again.


Deep breath… Onwards and downwards :)

Some People ....

Check out explodingdog.com for some brilliant pictures like this

3 Weeks Post-Op


Just a quickie post today but it was something significant since having the band. It was one my favourite colleagues leaving do today. She is having a year off to have her first baby. We get on like a house on fire so I was in a real dilemma about going out for the lunch. She was worried that it might worry me, I was worried that she would be worried about me being worried about eating. You get the picture :)


So this lunch. It was at one of those fabulous ‘all you can eat’ buffets at a brilliant Chinese restaurant. My god it was a test of willpower. But, they had 3 different soups on offer so I had a little bowl of chicken and sweetcorn soup and a bowl of Chinese vegetable soup minus the vegetables (i.e. it was Chinese flavoured consommé). Unfortunately I had to sit next to a completely tactless colleague who stared at my soup and kept saying, “uurgh, it looks like jelly, I couldn’t eat that, eugh I hate soup, look at all those bits etc etc”. Now, I am a patient person. I am a tolerant person. But, how the daft moo didn’t end up wearing said soup is beyond me. I had already had to walk past all of the dim sum and starters. I’ll admit that I was tempted to quickly grab a rib, lick it and then chuck it under the table before anyone saw me. I almost sucked a prawn cracker but withheld. So to manoeuvre past those hurdles only to have someone passing judgement on my precious soup, well, I was a tad irritated to say the least. But, I took a deep breath and smiled sweetly. (I’ll be polishing my halo next).

The soup itself posed a problem. I had to filter off all of the sweetcorn and the chicken which took so long that everyone else had eaten all three courses. So, in that respect it was quite good. I felt like a whale filtering the sea for plankton :)


I went for a walk when I came home so I didn’t feel guilty at all about eating out. I also didn’t have any ill effects from the soup. And that’s all the news from my broadsheet today.


Pip, pip.

Busy Little Bee

Day 20 Post-Op


Sorry ... I haven't posted for a while but the truth is I don't have a great deal to say :) I guess that is a good thing because it means I'm not having any problems.

I'm continuing to do the liquid diet ... 1 week to go - yipeeeeeee. Actually, it really hasn't been that bad. I'm totally into a routine with the smoothies and the soups. It is working out way cheaper than my usual over eating. I even went into Holland and Barret today (never been in one in my life before, previously thought they were the domain of the devil). They had a better selection of fruit teas which, in my current position, is extremely exciting. I nearly passed out when I saw they did peach passion ;) (Note to self - get a life).


I have also discovered Mango. Well, I was always aware of them but, had refused to eat them before as I thought they smelt of cat wee. I have to say they make the nicest smoothies, they are my absolute favourite so far.

What else? Well, work is ridiculously busy again and I am finding that I really have to make the effort to fit in my allocated smoothies and soups. Today and yesterday I was actually down a soup, disaster, lol. I'm finding that I am really knackered this week. I fell asleep whilst reading in bed at 9.30 last night. I hadn't even turned the lights off.

I'm still walking like a maniac. It's a highlight of my day now - unbelievable. I'm now doing an hour and 5 minutes at a super-fast pace. It's definitely helping tone me up as I have been wearing a pair of size 18 trousers that I couldn't get into for 2 years. If I really breathe in I swear that they look baggy on my bum.

So, basically all is well. I'm a bit nervous about the next phase of food. But, on the other hand I'm also looking forward to it. I just don't want to feel bingey I guess. Must start thinking positive thoughts.

Weigh in on Saturday - fingers crossed for good news.

Yipeeeeee

"Bless the scales, for today, I LOVE THEM"

Day 16 Post-Op


Weight: 14 stone 3lbs
Weight lost: 2 stones


Oh. My. God. I can’t believe that I have lost 2 stones. I feel like running up and down the street screaming. Probably best that I don’t as I’m only wearing my pyjamas and it’s just not the ‘done thing’ round here, lol. My neighbour complains if I cook with garlic, it’s far too exotic, they like “plain” foods. So parading up and down like a mad woman in my dotty pjs, proclaiming my weight loss, may get me ‘looks’.


I am a very happy bunny. Can you tell? I thought it might be helpful to give you a breakdown of what it is that I am eating and doing at the moment. Or it may just be boring. You decide :)


This is my routine:


8am: Home made fruit smoothie – 1 big glass.


10am: Home made fruit smoothie – 1 big glass.


12am: Home made soup. 2 big ladles full each serving.


3pm: Home made soup. As above.


5pm: 60 minute walk. Very brisk pace, up lots of hills.


6pm: Home made soup. As above.


8pm: Home made soup. As above.


10pm: Home made smoothie – 1 big glass, made with 400mls milk for protein.


My total calorie intake for the day is averaging 1200 calories.

In between all of this eating, I am consuming at least 2 litres of fruit tea and 1 litre of water. I have cut back on my ‘normal’ tea and have 1 small mug first thing in a morning.


I’ve also started to add lentils to my soups for extra protein as I prefer the soups to the smoothies. I guess the other bonus to this plan is that yes, I am still adhering to the liquid phase and allowing my tummy to heal properly, but also I am getting at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Something that I struggled with before. It’s funny just how nice the soup always tastes. I think this is because it’s homemade and therefore using my personal favourite ingredients, and because I’m eating flap all else.


I am feeling a lot less anxious about over-eating at the moment. This is a bit of a first for me as, previously on diets, I would start obsessing about what I could and couldn’t eat. Despite being more restricted than I have been on diets, I feel strangely calm about it. I’m aware that I am being more organised than I ever have been in the past and that takes away some of the anxieties but, I also think that having something to eat scheduled in every 2 hours is acting a bit like a security blanket. I know that, whilst I’m awake, something tasty is not longer than 2 hours away.


My only blip has been with chocolate mousses. I bought a pack of 4 of the very low fat ones (70 calories per pot) and it proved that my bingeing urges are still there. I mixed them up in the pot until they were a smooth liquid (and therefore legitimate). I had one. I finished it and immediately wanted another. So I had another. Then, as soon as I had finished that, I had another. I had 3 of them in around 10 minutes. It took all my will power not to have the last one but I did manage it. I didn’t enjoy them at all as I felt so guilty about thinking about whether I would or wouldn’t have the next one. I think I can safely say that they are a trigger food. Must be all the sugar and sweeteners in them. So I am not buying any more. I know that seems harsh but its early days and I feel too vulnerable to even ‘go there’ with any bingeing.


I only have just under 2 more weeks on liquids and then I can have mushies. I’m feeling a bit nervous about it as I feel quite ‘safe’ with the soups. I’m just going to go with the flow and see how it goes. I will post the details of what the ‘mushie’ phase consists of nearer the time.


But for today, I am going to have a nice, ‘chilled’ day. I have some ‘Ugly Betty’ and ‘ER’ to catch up with and will go for a walk.


Groovy :)

I LOVE My Band

"Blythe was grateful the hamster had dedicated it's life to fashion"

Day 15 Post-Op


How has the band changed me or my life?


I want to focus on the positives today. I feel that some of my latest posts have been quite self-absorbed and focusing on the negative aspects of my life and behaviours. I woke up this morning and simply felt, ‘on top of the world’ and I wanted to think about why that was.


Well even though I have only had the band fitted for a fortnight, have not had any fills and won’t be getting my first fill for another 10 weeks, I still feel that having the band is helping me. In what ways, I hear you cry. Well I am aware that I do not have any physical restriction for my eating and my appetite, both my physical and my head hunger returned very quickly. I’d say I was actually craving food to eat within 24 hours – this being totally in my head and not a physical hunger. My physical pangs returned about 5 days ago. My stomach rumbles and I am feeling the physical need to eat. So, in that case, why or how can the band have possibly helped me? Here’s what I think.


Hope – This may seem like a weird one but the band has given me hope. Hope to succeed. As I’ve said before I am a serial dieter, my weight yoyos faster than a ride at Alton Towers. It also yoyos by both small (a stone) and significant (5 stone) amounts of weight. It is never maintained. Whereas I have always felt that this was a shameful thing, I am starting to see things differently. As you are well aware I have spent my time, certainly over the past 3 years, doing nothing but eating, planning to eat, preparing the food and being the most horrendous couch potato. My exercise had gone down to virtually zero. Now that I’m not doing all my binge / food related activities I have MUCH, MUCH more time on my hands. I just felt I needed to explain this before sharing with you what I have done :) I have sat down and worked out, to the best of my ability, just how much weight I have lost and gained over the past 20 years. Bear in mind this is only the significant diet plans that I can recall, I will have gone up and down 10lbs to a stone several times in between. As I cannot recall how many of those there are accurately, I have not included them. If I had, the figures would be even more shocking. Now, you may wonder how it is I can remember all of this but, believe me, it is etched in my memory. I realise that the way I recall past events is by relating them to how much I weighed at the time. For example, I can recall with more or less absolute accuracy how much I have weighed every Christmas since I was 13. Leaving school, exam time, going to Uni, attending posh balls, every time I joined a slimming club, the gym or a fitness campaign, every boyfriend, house move and job interview I have been to – they are all remembered in association with what I looked like and how much I weighed. God, that’s terrible. Until now, I don’t think I realised how deeply ingrained this thinking and behaviour was.


So in the past 20 years the absolute minimum weight I have lost, in total, is: 33 stone. The absolute minimum that I have gained, in total, in this time, is: 38 and a half stone. That means that if I had only ever gained and had never lost weight, I would have started at 11 stone and would now be 49 and a half stone. On the other hand, if I had only ever lost weight – well I’d be a pile of dusty old bones by now.


The point to this is that, although you could look at this as me being a failure at losing weight and a success at gaining weight, I’m not thinking about it like that. In my mind I have turned this around. What this actually shows is that I am a bloody good dieter. I can diet. If I hadn’t dieted I would probably be dead by now from an obesity related illness. The thing that I do struggle with is weight maintenance. When I think of it like that then it gives me hope. The band is giving me hope. I can diet and the band can help me when I stray from the path. It will help me to maintain my weight loss if I follow the ‘bandster rules’. For the past 3 years I have felt so unmotivated and powerless to try and lose weight. I have had such half-arsed attempts that last 2 or 3 weeks before I pile it all back on again. I think part of the reason for this is that I knew what the result would be. It would be to regain the weight and then some. Knowing that, I’m not surprised I lost my motivation.


So I have genuine hope at the moment. I think that I have done enough research and read enough posts on the forums to understand that having the band fitted is only half of the battle. If I only rely on the band to lose weight then I will fail. I am aware that it is possible to ‘eat around’ the band by consuming large amounts of ‘contraband’ such as Ben & Jerry’s or Hagen Daaz. I know that chocolate will slip through the band. I am aware that if I rely solely on the band then I will start to push the boundaries with it. I’ll end up with a dilated oesophagus or band slippage. If I keep up my side of the deal then the band will hopefully keep up its side. If I learn how to use the band then I will feel full and not feel deprived. If I couple this with a sensible, calorie controlled, fresh, healthy diet and exercise regime I cannot fail. I may not lose weight as quickly as I would secretly like to. After all, if someone invented a pill that would make me lose all of my excess weight over night but would reduce my life span by 20 years, I would take it in a heartbeat. I will always want to weigh less and less on a daily basis. This time I am aware that if I take it slowly and surely, then in 2 years time I will be at my goal. I will be 35 years old. I will still be young enough to try for children. I feel hopeful for my future for the first time in years. (I’ll probably be run over by a bus tomorrow, lol).


The other positives that are happening at the moment, even in this short space of time are:


Sleep: I am sleeping so well. I can not believe it. When my head hits the pillow I am out like a light and I don’t wake up at all in the night. It’s so strange. Normally I wake up a couple of times during the night, I may get up and have a wee, wander into the spare room to look at the clock, stroke the cat (who will have followed me to the loo) and then toss and turn in bed for a while. Then, in the morning I’ll feel exhausted, press snooze a zillion times, get out of bed at the very last minute, rush around like a demented women, feel p***ed off the whole way to work as I race to get there, stop off at the newsagents (as I won’t have had time to prepare anything for the day) buy a couple of packets of crisps and cereal bar / chocolate bar, eat them before my colleagues arrive and then wonder why I feel stressed, bad tempered and thoroughly knackered. This week? The night before I have made my smoothies and packed my 2 servings of soup all ready to picked-up out of the fridge. I have been awake around 5 minutes before the alarm has gone off, I’m up out of bed, showered and dressed. I’ve even bothered to put a bit of make up on, something that would have been unheard of normally. I have been at work by 7.45am!! (I know its half term which helps). Even Jack Spratt can’t believe the change in me… he used to have to ring me from his work to make sure I’d gotten out of bed. Now I’m ready and out before him. I am amazed.


Food cravings: As you know, I am treating my month of liquids-only as a bit of a ‘cold-turkey’ in an effort to break my daily bingeing cycle. I have also been eating, almost exclusively, fresh foods. Now this is mainly because I detest tinned or package soups. For me, there is nothing tastier now than a bowl of homemade fresh soup. Strangely, actually making the soup is also now something that I really look forward to doing. I stick the radio on and pretend I am on the telly. Delia has nothing on me at the moment. I am also making my own smoothies, with the only processed ingredient being the low fat yogurt. I haven’t found a healthier one yet. Well, to be fair, I haven’t actually tried very hard :)


Now, I am aware that I am probably beginning to sound like an evangelist but I am so excited by this that I just want to share it. I am the first to admit that ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith is a bully, humiliates her programme’s participants (as if the daily humiliations that come with being obese aren’t enough) and comes across, generally, as a nasty piece of work. However, despite her outrageously inaccurate pseudo-scientific quackery, the evil little stick insect may just be onto something. Whilst I’d have never believed that removing processed foods from my diet would make me feel so good, my body is telling me differently. Despite my physical hunger pangs appearing, my head hunger is definitely on the decline this week. Yes, I have had days when I have had an extra 1, 2 or 3 bowls of soup. But, they’re bowls of soup for pity’s sake. I am not beating myself up over it. My sense of perspective seems to be a little more rational. And I feel brilliant. I am not craving any potatoes, cheese, salad creams, b-b-q sauce, bread, sweets, pizza or curries. In every other diet I have done in the past, I have relied heavily on convenience foods. Yes, I may have bulked them out with vegetables, but processed foods were still featuring in my diet on a daily basis. I would choose ready meals, low-fat versions of everything (which would be higher in sugar and sweeteners), processed pasta salads and sandwiches. Every diet was broken when my cravings for ‘naughty food’ became too overwhelming. I’m aware that the more sugar, refined carbohydrates and sweeteners you consume the more your body craves due to the insulin imbalances but I don’t think I ever really believed it before. I am really looking forward to my smoothies and my soups, the best part being, I’m not feeling guilty about eating. It may be hard work but I am endeavouring to keep on with my fresh ingredients diet – even when I am back on solids.

"The food police was busy stating the bleedin' obvious - as usual"

My Skin: I have suffered from acne since I was 22. I was blemish free throughout my teens. Had my gall-bladder out, put on 5 stone – lost 3 of it and moved to London all within 18 months. Once in London I developed really angry acne. I blamed it on the water. I was living on processed junk, drinking plenty of beer and generally burning the candle at both ends (and sometimes in the middle as well!). I moved back from London 5 years ago and the acne remained. It always diminished when I lost weight and becomes worse the heavier I am. Last year I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I realise now that I have had it for about 12 years. PCOS became another method of denial with my over-eating. “No wonder I can’t lose weight, I have PCOS, oh well I might as well have another 10 jacket spuds as I won’t lose weight anyway”. Anyway, since starting the pre-op and post band, my acne has more or less disappeared. 1 month of eating solely fresh foods and my complexion looks clearer than it has done in years.

Medications: Well by January this year I was taking 2 different blood pressure and diabetes medications as well as iron supplements as I was so anaemic. I’d had a very, very heavy period that had lasted more or less a whole year – give or take a few days break. I felt physically awful. Despite all the medications, my blood pressure was still high and my blood sugars weren’t coming down any lower than 15. Just prior to the band, I couldn’t get my tablets changed over into liquid form. As I was told not to take tablets for 12 months (!) I was basically stuffed. I tried to take them by crushing them but they were so vile that I immediately retched. Given that retching / vomiting are probably the worst things to do after being banded, I felt I had no choice but to stop taking them. I have had my BP monitored daily by my colleagues and it is lower than ever. And my blood sugars? Well, they have remained at a steady 5-7. I wasn’t able to get them lower than 10 with all the bloody meds! I just find it astounding. Now, I don’t recommend anyone stopping their medications and, I know that I will need a background dose of Metformin for the PCOS, but I am now, for all intents and purposes, a diet controlled diabetic.


So in just 2 weeks I am already noticing massive changes. Yes, I am losing weight but the health benefits are the things that are motivating me more at the moment. Whether I would have gotten the same benefits from simply changing my eating, I don’t know. What I do know is that the band is helping me to remain focused and to have an optimistic outlook about my ability to maintain any weight lost and about my future.


Now, that can’t be bad, can it?

Happy Valentine's Day

Day 13 Post-Op


This is going to be a mixed bag of a blog today. Now that I’m back at work I’m finding that I have less time to sit and ‘stew’ and am finding it less necessary to blog daily. So a quick re-cap. I still haven’t weighed myself but I am going to start weighing myself on a Saturday morning now as I’m too rushed in a morning and as any desperate dieter will tell you – there is a certain ‘routine’ to weighing yourself – if you get my drift. I’m into a routine with what I’m eating daily at the moment. I’m sticking to between 1200 – 1000 calories per day and have a schedule of eating either soup or a smoothie every 2 hours. I am sticking to my daily exercise and am now doing an hour a day. I have realised that I have to make walking / exercising a priority and then fit everything else around it. I am making soup every 3rd day which is quite good fun. It’s become a challenge to see how many different vegetables I can pack in and still keep it tasty, lol. (To be fair I think a cardboard box would taste delicious at the moment), I am such a saddo. Did I mention it takes 21 days to break a habit and establish a new routine? Fascinating eh?


Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about the mental and emotional side of over-eating. In the whole time I have been qualified I have never turned my knowledge or skills as a therapist inwardly and examined my own eating behaviours. My level of denial about my problem really prevented me from doing so. I am reading an awful lot at the moment and feel that I want to mention two aspects that have struck a cord with me from the current book I’m reading. It’s an Over-Eaters Anonymous book called, “Why Can’t I Stop Eating? Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Food Addiction”. I bought it last week when I had a ‘binge’ on Amazon. Something else that I’m going to have to watch!! It’s a fantastic book, although I don’t really go for the whole 12 Step Approach, it only mentions OA minimally (in fact I was over half way through the book when I actually twigged it was written by an OAer). If you feel you need to examine in a little more depth your over-eating behaviour I’d highly recommend it.

"A Great Book"

The first thing that I want to mention is denial. I don’t think I realised just how much in denial I was in and I thought that my diet/binge diet/binge cycle was quite normal. I have said before that I felt I was a food addict and reading this book simply confirms this. So denial. Well I was in denial on several levels:


Blaming – It was always someone else’s fault. In recent years it was Jack Spratt’s fault because I was in love and content. He is slim and can eat loads, hence we have tonnes of junk for him to eat in the house. The reality? I bought the junk and I ate twice as much of it than he ever does.


Rationalising – I was constantly giving myself the excuse that I ate due to the pressures of work. If only I had a less stressful job then I would be thin. If only I had more time to myself then I would lose weight. I also used to think that I only ate because I was bored. The reality? I ate whether I was bored, stressed, having a happy day, a crap day. I simply ate, ate, ate, ate and ate. Attributing the behaviour to something outside of my control meant I didn’t have to take responsibility for it.


Diversion – If Jack, my mum, dad or brother tried to talk to me about how worried they were about my weight, I’d either flatly refuse to talk about it or I would change the subject. In a nod towards diversion I’d also avoid watching ANY telly that might provoke a conversation on the subject.


Defiance – I always tried to give the impression that my weight didn’t bother me. Especially at work. For all intents and purposes my colleagues thought I was confident and happy. They would never see me overeat and thought I was always a bundle of fun. Little did they realise the depths of my self-loathing and despair – especially before Christmas last year. I would lie in bed and wish that I would never wake up. I always suffered in the privacy of my own home. I think to the point that even Jack, our family and friends would never have guessed just how miserable I was over my eating behaviours and my weight.


Denial, it’s a mighty powerful thing. At work I’ll often talk about my patients and their families being in denial. When the largest amount of denial was coming from me and I couldn’t even see it.



The second thing that I wanted to mention was that there are a lot of theories that food addicts are predisposed to being addicts. There is evidence to suggest that this is both a physiological (i.e. it’s in our genes) and a psychological (i.e. we are influenced by the environments that we grew up in and currently inhabit) predisposition. Now, what I am about to say is NOT about blame. I am who I am. However, I have been thinking about my own family and their own addictive behaviours. I suppose because there is no alcoholism or drug addiction, that I hadn’t really considered that there may be a strong genetic element to my behaviour. When I sat down and thought about it honestly I was blown away. The range of addictions here is amazing. There is a strong contingent of family members with food addictions, whilst on my father’s side both my grandparents loved to gamble. Up until the day he died my granddad would spend about two thirds of his weekly pension on lottery tickets, going as far as bribing the home carers to go and fetch them. My father has an obsessive collecting streak. This is totally out of control and his latest fad has caused numerous financial problems as well as taking over his house. My mom cannot help herself from looking after people. I think this is the nicest addiction to have but, she will put everybody else first before herself, often to the detriment of her own health. I am amazed by my family tree of addictive behaviour. So I am sharing it with you below.

"My Family Tree of Addictive Behaviours"

Finally, after all that well-heavy stuff a little light relief. After agreeing that we wouldn’t make a fuss about Valentine’s Day, I got home at lunchtime today (I’m working tonight), and Jack had made me a beautiful card and had bought me a dozen red roses. Who said romance was dead? I am one lucky rabbit :)

"Aaaaaahhhhh"

Temptation Lies in Wait For Me Everywhere

"Now the snow had melted, Blythe felt it prudent to remove her woolie sleeves"

11 Days Post-Op


Well I had my first full day back at work since the band. I did go back on Friday but left early because of the snow. It was funny because I was dreading being back at work in some ways, namely because of the amount of crapola food that is ALWAYS in the office. Firstly there is the biscuit fund. We all put money in the kitty monthly for tea / coffee / squash and with what’s left over, our manager always, always buys a tonne of biscuits. Secondly we are given a minimum of one box of chocolates every week by patients and families, plus we have a surplus of around 10 tins (I kid you not) of Roses, Celebrations and Quality Street hanging about from Christmas. Thirdly, one of my colleague’s husband works for my favourite sweet manufacturer, hence there are bags and bags of chocolate bars hanging around and finally there is the sandwich man. He turns up like clockwork every morning with a tray of freshly made baguettes. I have never worked anywhere where there has been this much temptation. But, shock of shocks, I managed it.


Now, I’m not saying I’ve taken on super-human willpower since the band but I think the key was that I was very well prepared. I made sure I drank my 2 litres of water (made as fruity tea in my big-girl’s pint mug :) throughout the day, I made my smoothie so that I could have 2 glasses of that in the morning and took 2 portions of soup, 1 at lunchtime, 1 mid afternoon. I also took my chewy fruity pastel multivitamins with me as I’m having 4 a day. If I concentrate hard enough I can make each one last 20 minutes, lol. God, I am sooooo sad.


I have even fitted in my walking. I work 8-4 so I was home by 4.45, I got changed and went for an hour’s power-walk. I had my stop watch going on my phone and just kept adding different streets to my route to get the right amount of time. So I am feeling like the cat’s meow tonight and very virtuous. It makes up for yesterday when I had 7, yes, 7 bowls of soup :( I just couldn’t stop. It was total boredom eating and worrying about work. I have to admit I have been feeling somewhat bereft at the moment without my great pal, Mr Crapola Food, to get me through the day. I am cooking even more than normal for Jack Spratt – just to smell it and touch it while it cooks. It’s a funny feeling, missing food. I’d responded to a forum post as someone else was feeling exactly the same. The only way I can describe it is, it’s like a best friend has moved away and not given me their new address. It’s like a security blanket and a protective shield has been taken away. I accept that is how it has to be and I would have the band 10 times over rather than continue in a spiral of self-destruction. I suppose it’s just going to take time to build up new ways of feeling ‘safe and secure’ and to find a new, mentally healthier ‘buffer’ to the big, bad world.


I was thinking of joining the gym opposite work. I’m a little reluctant simply because I have joined several gyms and ended up being tied into a year’s contract and going 2 dozen times (if that!!). But I am tempted. There is a swimming pool that is relatively quiet in the mornings. I used to swim at my local pool many years ago and I do find if it’s busy that I get terrible ‘lane rage’, especially when there’ll be 2 people virtually walking along nattering and you can’t get past. Grrrrr. I’d never say anything but, I find myself swimming along quietly seething. Not the best way to relax. I need better ‘lane karma’. I think I’m going to hold back and keep on my walking as it’s free and convenient and work on my go-go moves too.


I’m still taking everyday as it comes – it’s hard because my mood’s up and down more frequently than a whore’s drawers (sorry). But I’m becoming convinced that military level planning and organisation is the key to success – even with the band.


Onwards and downwards.

Get Your Go-Go Going

"Blythe wandered around NYC hoping to bump into the world famous Pontani Sisters"

Well, I’ve cheered up and the evil mood has finally lifted. I went back to work yesterday and I’ll admit I was a little anxious about it. However, I’ve got a week of paperwork next week, which although dull, will be good. I’m in the quieter of the two offices, in fact I’ve usually got it to myself, I can stick my radio on and immerse my head in la-la land whilst doing all the mundane stuff. I’m not sure I could cope with hearing everyone else’s problems, not just yet.


I’m still sticking to the vats of soup and smoothies (although not at the same time, that would just taste wrong) and getting loads of water, ‘down me neck’. I had a lucky escape last night thanks to the snow. One of my best mates and his girlfriend were supposed to be driving up from London to stay here on their way to a wedding further north. Out of my mates, I have only told my 2 closest female friends and, in a way, I almost regret doing that. I couldn’t even contemplate telling my best mate, despite being best mates with him since we were 16, as he is such a total girly gossip. I may as well as put out a front page advert in one of the daily papers. I could see the headline,


“Fat Girl, 33 has Lap Band Surgery – A friend of fat girl told the Sun today that she had always been greedy and frankly was surprised that she hadn’t already eaten herself to death. Another friend added, we always knew she had no will-power”



Perhaps I’m too harsh but he always manages to point out that I have put on weight, ever since we were whipper-snappers. Funny that I don’t ever mentioned that he is going bald ;) I know it’s just vanity and pride on my part but, nobody in that circle of friends would a) know anyone else that had undergone surgery and b) approve of me doing it. So the snow saved me from any need to tell porkies. I’m a rubbish liar anyway so it all worked out for the best.


Instead I watched a bit of telly – something that I haven’t really felt strong enough to do before last night. I had my allocated soup and smoothies so it wasn’t too much of a problem. I ended up watching that ’You Are What You Eat’ with that wizened old woman with the funny posture (sorry). In all the time that it has been on, I have totally and utterly avoided it. I think simply because I knew that everything that she had to say to her ‘victims’ would apply, entirely, to me. God, my level of denial and the lengths I’d go to just to avoid being faced with some horrible, home truths is amazing. So, yes, anyway, last night, watched Wednesday’s one about the Scottish lass and the Vicar. Enjoyed it so much that I watched 2 more episodes that were on Teleport TV. Jack stuck his head round the door and announced that he felt I was becoming somewhat ‘obsessed’ by my healthy eating campaign. He does have a point, I’m also reading a book called ‘Bad Food Britain’ which is all about the way the UK refuses to invest in good food, is seduced by the big brand supermarkets, relying solely on over processed and convenience foods and is slowly losing the skills to cook simple, healthy meals from their natural ingredients, whilst becoming increasingly fascinated by ‘celebrity chefs’ and cooking programmes. Sorry, I digress but it’s a great book and is really making me think. Anyway, little does Jack know that I was already obsessed with food but in a totally different way. I haven’t really changed, I still think about food 24 hours a day – yes, 24 hours because I am even dreaming about it at the moment! The difference is I am trying to think about it in a new way. Hence reading the book, it’s already put me off ready meals – even the ‘Just Cook’ ranges and the ‘Taste the Difference’ ranges. Anyway it’s a really well written, witty and provocative read.



What else is happening? On the band front, I feel like everyday I’m feeling physically better. I spoke with the dietician this morning as I’d missed a call from her last night. I feel mean for having a rant about the lack of emotional support now. She is very nice and when I told her about my amazing red-mist and low mood, she confirmed that this was quite normal. Something to do with the lack of carbohydrates and their serotonin stimulating properties. I don’t really understand the science bits :)



So the wounds are healing up, the bruising is now fading and for the past 2 nights I have been able to sleep on my front, which is such a relief. I hate sleeping on my back and it was really making my neck hurt.



Today we went for a little walk into town to B&Q to get a plug adapter that it turned out we didn’t need at all. Let me explain. I was planning to do some exercise at home and had 5 (yes 5) exercise DVDs (3 still in their cellophane wrappers) gathering dust on the shelf. The lounge is too small to do them in and I thought I’d move the dining room table and set up the portable TV and DVD player in the dining room. However, after a hilarious demonstration of Jack jumping up and down on the dining room floor, demonstrating the sound of trainers on our stripped wooden floors, I realised that the neighbours may not be too impressed. Although, I NEVER moan that I can hear her snoring like a demented pig through the night – no I am far too reasonable for that ;) However given the sound made by Jack I was convinced enough to set it up in the kitchen where there is a sturdy tiled floor and ample plug sockets.



Today I attempted Go-Go Robics with the ‘world famous Pontani Sisters’. It was so funny. Jane Fonda never once raised a smile in all of the years I went for the burn with her. This had me in stitches throughout. I did have to keeping pausing it though because I thought I might die but, it certainly worked my ‘go-go’. In the process I learnt several dance steps including, The Hully-Gully, The Mashed Potato and The Pony amongst many more. I didn’t make it to the end but it was just such good fun. I would recommend it to anyone, although it’s an import so check it will work on your DVD player. It was all very burlesque.

So I’m going to try and do the DVDs on the days when the weather is too poo to go out walking in. If for nothing else, but, to sharpen up my ‘Mashed Potato’.

Onwards and downwards.

Pre and Post Operative Emotional Support

"Cheer Up Duckie"

Why isn’t there counselling as part of the package of care with lap-band surgery? This is a question I have been asking myself since yesterday, provoked by a post in a forum. Within my remit as a therapist, in the service I work in, everybody gets pre-diagnostic counselling before they even see the consultant for the barrage of tests. In my experience with the lap-band, I saw the consultant first to talk me through all the physical aspects and then the dietician to go through the pre-op and post-op diets. Neither of them has been physically banded themselves. This is the most radical things that I have done to my body. Why isn’t the emotional aspect to it addressed?



I am aware of the local support groups but, only from the forums. The forums that, incidentally, I was already a member of prior to my initial consultation. I have yet to go to a support group as the February one in my area was 36 hours after my operation :( but I am definitely going to the March one. However, if it wasn’t for the forums I wouldn’t have known what to expect post-operatively.



Here’s an example. I have had several days this week when I have woken up totally depressed. Not just depressed but irrationally and uncharacteristically irritable. This morning was the worst; I completely lost the plot over nothing. It was literally like a red mist had descended on me and I found myself screaming at Jack Spratt over, wait for it, me having a sharper tone with him than normal. Yes, I can be occasionally highly strung, but, very occasionally. The normal me is happy, laid back but easily excitable in a fun way (these are Jack’s words – not mine :) But, this morning I ended up chucking the saucepan into the sink so hard that I chipped the sink, thankfully Jack was upstairs at the time. I was so upset, I was sobbing uncontrollably into the onions as I cooked them. I am so ashamed at myself for the way I ‘lost it’. I scared myself and I certainly shocked Jack. I had warned him that I was barely holding it together this morning so to cut me some slack. I think it’s fair to say that he will believe me next time. I have NEVER screamed and shouted like a ‘fishwife’ before. In my job I have to be so tolerant of behaviours and things that would, frankly, test the patience of a saint at times. Tolerance is my normal state. But this morning, this was like the devil coming out of me. The whole ‘thing’ must have only lasted a couple of minutes, with me having about 10 minutes of sobbingly ‘cooling down’ time. Jack was so lovely; he just cuddled me and cuddled me, whilst I sobbed and snottered on his jumper. I know that he loves me and perhaps understands that this isn’t as easy as I made out. But, still, I am so sorry and utterly ashamed of myself.



The reason I’m saying all of this is that I kind of knew that it might happen. I have read posts about people feeling totally down, without any reason, shortly after post-op and that increased irritation may be a side-effect of both the surgery and the radical change in eating patterns. But what if I wasn’t computer savvy? Many people don’t have regular access to a PC or, if they do, are not confident in using it. So what I’m trying to say is that, in my opinion, I think that everybody should have at least 1 pre-operative counselling session. Something that could help them plan strategies and to inform them of what to expect, emotionally, after the operation.



Then I think that there should be access to a short set of either the choice of, one to one support and education sessions, or, perhaps a structured support and education group comprising of 4 weekly sessions in the first month post-operatively. Then you should be encouraged to attend the normal, informal support groups. The key to it should, in my opinion, be that the sessions are led by somebody who has actually had the lap band themselves, not by some skinny Lizzy who wouldn’t know a calorie if it bit her on the bony arse. Sorry, I am ranting somewhat but, I really think it’s verging on neglectful not to offer this as part of a package. Perhaps it’s because I am a therapist, I’m not sure. But to be, at least, offered the option of something. I know this would be trickier for the Belgium peeps but, even so, if there was a rolling, standardised, group programme across the UK that both the NHS and private people were able to use, then the Belgium package could negotiate to be linked into it.


I just know that I would have really benefited from something like that. That’s just my thinking today.

Let It Snow, Let it Snow, Let It Snow

"Our street at 4 o'clock this morning"

Exactly 1 week Post-Op
Weight: 14.8lb
Weight lost: 1 stone 9lbs


I got my wish. It snowed. Fantastic. As you may have guessed we went out and took lots of pictures and managed to get some exercise in, despite the cold. Jack Spratt was so excited about the snow that he waited up for it – lol. At 3.30am he came and woke me up to show me. Thanks chick ;) But he did take some nice photos of our street in the snowy weather.


The other positive thing was that I weighed myself this morning and I have lost half a stone since the operation :) I’m over the moon. So what have I been doing to lose this much? Well, if you’ve been following the blog then you’ll realise that I am a serial dieter (or should that be cereal? ;) and, whilst dieting hasn’t really been a problem, binge eating, motivation to diet, consistency with adhering to the diet and maintenance of any weight lost, has been what I have really battled with. Compared to that little lot, actual dieting is a piece of piss.


I appreciate that everybody is different; wouldn’t life be boring if we weren’t? What I am about to say may be classed as heresy by some lap-banders but, at the risk of incurring the wrath of others, this is what is working for me. I have really done my research about the band. I have lurked on the forums, only really plucking up the courage to post 2 weeks before my actual operation, and I have read several books in the past month on weight-loss surgery. I quickly realised that the lap-band was only going to be one element of winning this battle, sorting out the quality of the food I eat, looking at exercising regularly, monitoring my calorie intake and exploring, honestly, the reasons for my over-eating behaviour were going to be the much harder parts. I know that I have to make the lap-band work for me. If I can diet sensibly then the lap-band can help me to control my physical urges and, hopefully, allow me to maintain the weight I have lost.


The scientific studies, such as that done at Monash University Medical School in Melbourne, have suggested that the lap-band is, “a more effective long-term solution than a very-low-calorie diet for people who are about 50 pounds overweight or more”. At the same time I have realised from all of the forum members that the band isn’t a magic bullet. Clearly, you don’t just have the band fitted and magically lose weight. There are no lost calories from malabsorption as in other weight loss surgeries. You have to work at it. I’ve read many posts from banders saying that they didn’t have the band fitted just to start dieting again. I agree that I don’t want to ever have to diet again after this but, I need to do some level of dieting in order to achieve some weight loss. Okay, don’t hate me for saying this but, I don’t want to have to rely on being over-restricted just to lose weight. There is a small part of me that would like to be so over-restricted that I can only get water down me and waste away before everybody’s very eyes but, that’s the unhealthy part of my personality. That’s my own demon. I would like, in an ideal world, to have a sweet-spot that allows me to eat a small but normal balanced meal. I would like to be able to feel full after I have eaten and for the fullness to last a few hours. Not to eat my dinner and think, as I am finishing it, that I could eat it again and feel deprived when I stop myself. Fullness or satiety are not something that I feel I have experienced for many years. Hunger, both physical and head hunger, are my downfalls. That is the job that I want my lap-band to do. The rest of it, I think possibly, I can manage myself with the right support.


So what have I done, this week to achieve this weight loss? I have been sticking to just liquids, for one thing, so that has automatically limited my food options. As I have mentioned before, I am somebody that needs a strategy. In any part of my life I need firm boundaries, often whether I realise it or not :) And for this particular battle I need some guidelines to live by on a daily basis. As I managed to lose over a stone on my pre-op diet, I knew that I would continue to lose on a 1000-1200 calorie per day diet. As I have the propensity to overeat just about anything, I also knew that this meant no ‘free’ or unlimited foods. So, whereas I may have not, in the past, counted the calories in, for example, butternut squash or onions, now I am weighing and measuring everything that passes my lips. Okay, I appreciate that this tedious but, I figure its not forever. Once I’m done with my calorie counting, I want the band to do it’s bit of magic. I want it to help me maintain my weight. If it stops the binges in their early stages on the way, that would be good too.


So this week I have kept my calories high enough to prevent my metabolism from going into shutdown and low enough to shift some pounds. Most days I am averaging 1100 calories in liquid form. Clearly I am still swollen and the physical pangs haven’t kicked in yet but, by crikey, the head pangs have been there since 24 hours after the operation. I was given a really groovy journal for Christmas and it has become my food diary. Everything I have eaten is in there because, somehow, that seems to help. I have struggled this week. It hasn’t been easy. When I want to eat I have been blogging, forum-ing and emailing.


Exercise is the other thing I have been doing this week. Walking to be precise. Now then, let me put my cards on the table. I am a naturally bone-idle futha-mucka. I was humiliated by P.E. at school, have dreadful hand to eye co-ordination, really dislike the physical pain of exercising and if, by some miracle, I do enjoy the sport, the minute an element of competition is introduced, I pack it in. Although I had plenty of great friends at school, and despite being a whole lot slimmer at times, I was always picked out of loyalty in team games because I was such a bloody liability, lol. That means that exercise is always, without fail, a chore to me. However, I am able to trick myself into doing things as often the hardest part is just motivating myself to start the activity. Here’s how I have done it this week. I have set a time that I must go walking by. I don’t get changed to walk – just my comfiest trainers and a hoodie. Once I am walking I play the game of, “I only have to walk to the next street”. Once there I tell myself to just walk to the next one. Finally I have reached enough of a distance that I don’t have any bloody choice but to walk home. Even managed it today in the snow – walked into town to collect a parcel, then walked to the park to take some photos with Jack Spratt. I started walking about 48 hours post op and have built up to 50 minutes at a brisk pace.


Finally, the other thing I have done is to be prepared. I am the Last Boy Scout. Well, a boy scout with a twinkle, but that’s hardly here nor there. I have shopped properly. Okay, so not being back at work has made it easier, but still, I’ve got out and done it. I have made my soups and smoothies in the mornings and not waited until I am desperate. I have made enough to either last the day or longer. I suppose the biggest thing I have done is stopped watching the telly. That’s been tough but, I have felt more unhappy and bereft of my comforts when I have watched it than at any other time. It’s bizarre that the two things are so complexly entwined in my head.


I am still only taking one day at a time. I am not sitting with my diary and working out how much I think I should weigh at the start of every week. This is another little me-ism that I get sucked into and it always, always, always, ends in disappointment. So I am recording my weight weekly and, only after the event :)



The way I think about it is, you can only make changes today, not yesterday. And tomorrow? Well tomorrow never comes does it? ;)

"Frosty the Snowman"

Quick and Easy Butternut Squash Soup

And here we go again ;) But I just had to share this recipe as I much prefer it to the butternut and sweet potato soup. I think it’s all in the garlic – I usually luuuurve garlic but, I’ve realised, not in butternut squash soup. Weird. This version is really easy. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am today. Just right for warming you up in the blizzards.

Quick and Easy Butternut Squash Soup

Makes approx 7 x 280ml portions (or 2 ladles-full :)
Cost per portion: 45p
Calories per portion: 160

Ingredients:

10 squirts of ‘Fry-Light’
4 Large – medium red onions
1 Medium Butternut Squash (approx 700g)
2 Large Parsnips
1 can of Campbell's Condensed Beef Consume
¼ teaspoon of ‘Lazy Chilli’
Salt and Pepper to taste
1 – 1½ pints of water (depending on desired consistency)
1oz of butter

Method:

* Preheat oven to 220°

* Peel butternut squash and parsnips

* Chop into medium sized chunks

* Grease a non-stick baking tray with 5 squirts of Fry-Light

* Place squash / sweet potatoes on tray

* Give them 5 squirts of Fry-Light

* Place in oven for ½ an hour – 40 minutes

* Meanwhile, heat the butter, gently in a non-stick pan

* Chop onions finely and add to the pan, cover and ‘sweat’ them on a medium-low heat for 15 minutes, stirring often as they don’t need to brown.

*When ready add all of the ingredients and beef consume, lazy chilli and water to a bowl / blender and whiz up until a smooth, creamy consistency. Add more water as needed.

Return to stove and heat thoroughly to serve.

"Yummy"

Just wanted to quickly add that I ordered a book on amazon the other day. It is the best calorie book I've used - especially for the fresh ingredients that never seem to have the nutritional values on them. It was £8.57 and well worth it. It has a calorie balance sheet that is designed to be photocopied, easily lets you work out calories consumed and expended.

Super Slim Me

WARNING – Angry rant below.


I feel compelled to vent my spleen. For anybody that has just missed the programme, Super Slim Me on BBC3, here’s a quick synopsis. A 5’8” and 10½ stone female who wants to go from a ‘curvy’ size 12 to a size 6, otherwise known as a USA size 0. She gave herself 8 weeks, on 500 calories per day, to do it in and enrolled a personal trainer, various quacks, as well as spending some time in Hollywood – for ‘thinsperation’. Given the nature of my very own quest to lose weight and the radical weight loss surgery (because, in my opinion ,weight loss surgery of all types is radical) that I have undertaken, it raised more than a few issues for me.



In my 20 years of yoyo dieting I have tried many of the ‘tricks in the book’ and I could certainly relate to what she was doing to herself in this piece of investigative journalism. Although, to be fair, more so when I was a teenager and in my early 20’s. I have been aware of the size 0 debate, especially when Madrid Fashion Week banned models with a BMI below 18, but I truly didn’t realise that young women were genuinely aspiring to be like these people. Certainly, when I have seen photos of Rachel Zoe and Nicole Ritchie, I’ve felt sorry for them as they looked so blatantly ugly. But, it is worrying that young women look at these ‘celebrities’ as style icons. I’ve watched Victoria Beckham go from a really pretty woman to something that, to me, looks grotesque. To me she is a joke. I know people are interested in her but I have thought it was more as a ‘freak-show’ than as genuine thinspiration.




How wrong can I be? The shops in Hollywood didn’t even have any clothes in stock over a UK size 6. I now realise there is pressure to be skinnier than the pressure when I was young but, I am utterly disgusted.



This intelligent, articulate, vivacious and utterly beautiful young woman transformed before my very eyes into a depressed, physically weak, socially withdrawn, and sunken eyed shadow of her former self. At times I thought she was verging on the incoherent, and in her own words admitted, “It’s like I’m drunk all the time”. What was more worrying was the Holistic Quack who told her she was obese. Obese? At 5’8” and 9 stone 12lbs? Funny that he managed to flog her a ton of vitamins and minerals, a long with his own book. He was simply abusing her, taking advantage and, frankly, messing with her head. (I appreciate she went to see him to highlight the ludicrous quackery but as she said, "what if it had been someone with a fluffy brain"?



My blood was boiling.



What struck me is not just the immediate impact that the size 0 fashion is having on the psyche of our youth but, more importantly, the long term damage that it has. We have a growing obesity epidemic, especially in our children and youths, add this to the pressure of not just getting down to a healthier weight but, the added pressure that, even if you do achieve a healthy weight it won’t be good enough. This is madness. When I was a teenage dieter, I started my first diet weighing 11 stone and with an idea that I wanted to be 9 stone. This was slightly higher than my, so-called, ‘ideal’ body weight. I didn’t have the pressures to be super skinny but the pressure to achieve a healthier body weight has resulted, for me, in a downward spiral of negativity, low self-esteem and finally morbid obesity. What are tomorrow’s adults going to be like? It’s a terrifying thought. Yes, I think there will be an increase in anorexia in a younger population (BBC3’s programme on teenage anorexia demonstrated a worrying trend already), by default of that there will be more deaths from the anorexia. But, what about the other demographic? The bulimics, the yoyo dieters and the binge eaters that are created? These are the people like me. These are the people who slip under the radar of services. These are the people who have years of chronic unhappiness and ill-health as a result of these maladaptive eating patterns. Is it just me or is the media missing the point? I think its naive of people to think only of the girls starving themselves in the here and now. What about all of the others who will enter this cycle of bingeing, over-eating and chronic low self-esteem at constantly failing to meet these ‘ideals’.



I appreciate just how easy it is to get sucked into these ideas. How many of us would love, secretly, to be really thin? I know that I would be elated at being 8 stone something. But I have told myself that my real goal is to get to a BMI of 24.9. For me, that means being 10 stone 3lbs. But frankly, I’ll be over the moon just to reach 11 stone. Ironically that is exactly the weight I was when I started all of this dieting.

Changing Habits

"Blythe dug out her woolly hat in anticipation that the weatherman was right"

Day 6 Post-Op

Current status: Still bored.

Yep, I remain bored but, I have a bit of a dilemma. I took the past week off as annual leave and not as sick leave. I have nothing booked in tomorrow, just in case I was feeling rough, but, having watched the weather forecast for tomorrow (SNOW), I am rethinking my imminent return. Two reasons basically: 1) My journey is at least an hour on a good day and my office is based almost slap bang in the city centre. The journey has the potential to be bloody awful tomorrow and 2) It’s snow! SNOW! I love the snow … how can I contemplate working when it’s snowing? We get so little of the stuff that my excitement is somewhat disproportionate. I have 4 days of annual leave to take in the next 7 weeks and nothing planned for it. One more day wouldn’t hurt would it? I mean, I ask you, nobody can be bored in the snow? I think I’m going to ring my manager and attempt to strike a deal, if it’s a no show for snow then I’ll go to work. But, if there’s even a millimetre dusting, then I stay put. That’s it … done it. Just rang my manager to talk to her about and it’s a yeeeeees! So she thinks I’ve lost the plot when I explained about the snow excitement but, it’s not as if I’m taking a day off sick. Just wait, there’ll be no bloody snow and I’ll be sitting here going up the wall. I suppose I could always do some housework … yawn :)

Do you know that this week is the first time I have ever spent truly putting myself first in a positive way? Hang on a minute, just unnailing myself from my cross. Sorry, I don’t mean to suggest that I am some whiter than white, goody-goody because I’m really not. However, as this is my place to reflect on my behaviour, I’m going to acknowledge that, “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” and no, not in a ‘rudies’ way, you dirty-minded rabbits. I have a tendency to take on too much, at work and with my friends. This has led to me ending up in all sorts of situations that, when I look back on, I’m realising that people were, frankly, taking the piss. I think it’s dawning on me that I may have a problem with boundaries. You see, I am a sucker for a just-cause and a sob story. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but, I think there is when it encroaches on your quality of life. I do feel an enormous amount of guilt. I feel guilty for all sorts of things that I have no control over whatsoever. So I over-commit myself and become a bit of a doormat at times. I’ve done this for years and I can’t be the only one who does it. What is it about being overweight that makes you feel you have to over compensate in other ways? Because, do you know? I think that’s what I have been doing. If you have a low self esteem about your body image then you need other ways in which to make people accept you. It might be that you work too hard, or that you can never say no when somebody asks a favour of you, or you become this outwardly ‘happy go lucky’ person. Or it might be that you choose a career that you know people won’t be critical of.

May I digress for a moment? One of my closest friends is a bigwig for a major record label, in fact he was my first boyfriend (for all of 1 month – aahhhh). We were 11 years old and we call that time BP, before pubes :) Anyway, he has this fantastic job, his sister is a producer at the BBC and they really live ‘the life’. We see each other every couple of months and whenever he brings a new girlfriend over, they are usually a ‘media’ type, and, without fail, they’ll say something along the lines, “How fantastic that you do your job. It’s really worthwhile isn’t it?”. This is usually accompanied by a patronising nod and smile. Blimey, I'm touchy today. My point is, why have I chosen a career in the ‘caring professions’? Do you know, I’m starting to think on some subconscious level it has something to do with acceptance? It’s ok to be fat as long as you compensate for it in some other way? When I was younger I really wanted to be a make up artist. Not just make up but, special-effects make up (you know the sci-fi or fake injury, gory stuff) but, I was too intimidated by the thought of all of the ‘cool’ kids to do art at A-Level. So I did biology instead, lol. Funny old world.



Enough of the psycho babble already. Right. Today I want to talk about changing habits. Boots the chemist have that campaign, ‘change one thing at time’ or something along those lines. Do you know what I think about it? I think its bollocks. Pardon my French, but I do. To me that’s just too idealistic. In my opinion, you can’t ever change just one thing at a time. Simply by changing that one thing you have a whole chain of other things that need to be addressed. For example, being banded; with the Boots philosophy, all I need to do is change what I eat but, to change what I eat I have to change so many other things. The reality is that I need to change how I shop, my organisation of how and when I prepare food, how I eat (no, not literally how I eat, I’m still using the same orifice as before, I haven’t started pouring soup in my ears), how I spend my time, how much exercise I do … you see? The list is endless. So I have put together the bits and pieces of advice gleaned from the forums and also from the dietitian.

• Break the cycle of over-eating during the first month by adhering to a liquid diet.
  

• Examine, if you feel able to, the reasons why you overeat. Easier said than done that but, perhaps it maybe easier to look at ‘when and what’ situations you overeat in. This past week has highlighted what situations are triggering my ‘head-hunger’. These are; boredom, a strong psychological link between watching TV and eating, advertising, seeing other people eat – in real-life or on the TV, aromas, mild irritation and habit.

• Make everything that you do eat ‘count’. Make it count both nutritionally and taste wise. For example, normally if I had been making something such as the soup, like I did yesterday and, I was trying to ‘diet’, I would have omitted the cream, the butter and even the olive oil. The result? It wouldn’t have tasted anywhere near as nice and I would have resented having to eat, ‘the darn healthy food’. It’s quite a mental leap for me as I am totally ‘all or nothing’ usually.

• Eat those chewy vitamins – they’re like wine gums :)
  
• Look at the size of your plates and bowls. The plates we have are massive. My mom treated me to a pretty little soup bowl and seven inch plate.
  
• Ditto the cutlery – again, bless her, my mom bought me a set of good quality, stainless steel, infant’s, learner cutlery. It’s so groovy that it doesn’t really look like kiddies’ stuff. Thanks mom – you’re a star :)

• Eat at the table. Okay, so I haven’t managed this yet but our dining room is just a glorified corridor, lol and my excuse is that I don’t need to do this yet as I’m not eating solids.
  
• Exercise every day. This one’s much harder as my natural state is ‘lounging’ but, I have been walking everyday since Saturday (oh, only 4 times then. Feels like so much more).

• Find a hobby – this is my one. Blogging is my new hobby but at some point I’m going to run out of things to wax lyrical about. Nobody needs to hear about the exploits of our cat. We’re thinking about buying an old VW Camper Van but it’s more of a pipe dream because we’re skint, lol.
  

That’s it really. I’m sure there are loads more tips. Any ideas? Anyway that’s enough for today. Perhaps I should mention how I am physically. I’ve deliberately avoided weighing myself because I don’t want to start a load of negative thoughts if I have gained after the operation itself. My wounds are healing nicely; the band-wound is now dry and I have stopped wearing the stockings. I’m supposed to wear them for another week but they were driving me nuts. Especially when out walking, they kept falling down and ‘hoiking’ them up made me look like I had some kind of bum / twinkle itch that I was furtling with – not the look I was going for. I’m taking an executive decision on this as I feel I am active enough not to be at too much risk of DVTs. Just wait, I’ll have a massive one now and end up without any legs or bottom.

Onwards and downwards.

"Two Soups?"

“Two soups?”

5 Days Post-Op


I woke up this morning in a foul mood. Really miserable, with no reason at all behind it. Went to bed and felt absolutely fine, had a good night’s sleep and woke up as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Normally I have my dear friends Mr Biscuit and Mrs Cadburys to help raise my spirits but not now. All my friends and family work full-time so I couldn't even phone anybody up for a chat. As I keep harping on about, I’m determined to stick to the liquid diet phase, so I decided to therapy myself. I knew that if I stayed bored (not back at work until Thursday) and relied on the TV for entertainment I would risk: i) remaining in a foul mood; ii) dwelling on binge type thoughts. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone, make some soup. I'll admit I do enjoy cooking (I just love food basically) and I do find it extremely therapeutic, so at 8.45am I was down there in that supermarket buying some tasty ingredients.

Now, I totally acknowledge that what I am about to admit does make me sound like a lunatic but, at the risk of forsaking any credibility, here goes. I played celebrity TV chef. Oh. My. God. I can’t believe I am admitting this. I basically pretended to be the bastard love child of Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson. I was alone in the house (well, the cat paid me a brief visit before deciding I had lost the plot and buggering off upstairs). I had the radio chirping away in the back ground and the magic began …. I even went as far as photographing the various stages for your viewing pleasure. From 9.30am till lunchtime I played ‘domestic maniac’ and do you know what? I had a blast. My mood was totally lifted and by lunchtime I had 16 portions of well-tasty soup.

The recipes were adapted from New Covent Garden’s, “Soup and Beyond” book. A friend bought it for me for Christmas about 8 years ago and I hadn’t cooked a single thing from it before. I didn’t stick totally to the recipes and if you do attempt them, bear in mind that you may want to add more or less water, depending on your personal consistency preferences. I have now had 2 bowls of each – and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not eating but, they taste luuuurvely. I have frozen half of each batch in individual portions for when I am back at work. What’s the saying? “Fail to plan, plan to fail”. I’ve also worked out the approximate cost and calories per portion (I told you I was bored).

BUTTERNUT AND SWEET POTATO SOUP

Makes approx 9 x 280ml portions (or 2 ladles-full :)
Cost per portion: 55p – 60p
Calories per portion: 140-150 cals

Ingredients:
5ml teaspoon Olive Oil
5 small – medium onions
1 Medium Butternut Squash
3 Medium Sweet Potatoes
1 Pint of Vegetable Stock – Either fresh in a carton or made up from cubes
70mls ( ½ of the smallest carton) of single cream
Grated whole nutmeg
15ml tablespoon Maple Syrup
¼ teaspoon of ‘Lazy Chilli’
Salt and Pepper to taste
1 – 1½ pints of water (depending on desired consistency)
1 clove of garlic and sprig of fresh corriander (optional – I used garlic today but wish I’d have left it out, the butternut flavour was a little over-powered - oooooh, get me, Master Chef :)

Method:

* Preheat oven to 220°
* Peel butternut squash and sweet potatoes
* Chop into medium sized chunks
* Using a little drop of the olive oil, grease a non-stick baking tray
* Place squash / sweet potatoes on tray
* ‘Paint’ them with a little olive oil (remembering to save some to cook the onions)
* Place in oven for ½ an hour
* Meanwhile, heat the remaining olive oil in a non-stick pan
* Chop onions finely and add to the pan, cover and ‘sweat’ them on a medium-low heat for 15 minutes, stirring often as they don’t need to brown.

* When ready add all of the ingredients + stock and water to a bowl / blender and whiz up until a smooth, creamy consistency. Add more water as needed.
* Return to stove and heat thoroughly to serve.

PARSNIP AND LEEK SOUP


Makes approx 9 x 280ml portions (or 2 ladles-full :)
Cost per portion: 45p-50p
Calories per portion: 160 cals

Ingredients:
4 Large Parsnips
1 Medium Sweet Potato
3 Large Leeks
1oz butter
2.5mls (½ teaspoon) of olive oil
1 Bay Leaf
70mls Single Cream
1 Pint Chicken Stock – fresh or cubes
3 Pints Water
Salt and Pepper to taste

Method:
* Preheat oven to 210°
* Peel Parsnips and sweet potato, chop into medium chunks (don’t leave ends long and thin or they’ll burn :) Place on non-stick tray and brush with olive oil. Pop in middle of oven for 30 minutes.
* Wash and trim leeks (about two thirds of the length). Slice finely.
* Heat remaining olive oil and butter gently on low heat in non-stick pan (olive oil should stop butter from burning).
* Add leeks and 1 bay leaf to pan. Cover and sweat them over a low heat for 20 minutes, stirring regularly. (Add a little chicken stock if too dry)
* When leeks and parsnips are ready transfer them to either a mixing bowl or blender.
***REMEMBER TO REMOVE THE BAY LEAF BEFORE YOU BLEND!***
* Add stock, water, cream, salt and pepper.

* Whiz up until a smooth consistency.
* Return to pan and heat thoroughly before serving.

"Frankly I don't think the photo does it justice" ;)

There you go. Relatively foolproof in my opinion. I took some to my mom at work at lunchtime and she has now lost her butternut squash virginity, lol. Now, I must state for the record, don’t expect the same level of blogging after Thursday when I go back to work. I just needed to ‘play’ and it took all my energy to turn a negative mood into a positive outcome this morning but it was worth it. Let me know if you have a go at them… just popping off for another bowl – YUM.