Early Days and Keeping Busy

NAUGHTY RABBIT LOLLIES

"Lets guess just how bored I was last night"

Day 4 Post-Operatively


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am a food addict. I am addicted to the activity of over-eating. Now, I have the band. The band will limit me, physically, from over-eating. With me so far? All well and good. However, I don’t think I had realised just how much time I spent doing activities associated with over-eating. It has struck me, over this past weekend, that my over-eating was a full blown hobby. I have nothing to do now.

Now before you judge me and say ‘poppycock, of course you have things to do'. I would like to explain a little about my life. I work full-time in a job that is both mentally and emotionally demanding. I spend my working day running around like a blue-arsed fly. Actually, let me take you back a step. I wasn’t going to admit what I did for a living in case people were able to identify who I was. If people recognised me from my blog, would I still be able to be as candid in it? I guess not, so I am going to tell you a little bit of what I do, enough for you to understand where all of this constant reflection is coming from but, not enough so that you can ring me at work for a chat ;)

I am a therapist. There said it. I am a therapist and yet I have more baggage than Heathrow Airport. I love my job, it is part of who I am but, being good at my job can come at a price. That price is, sometimes, my own emotional wellbeing (spoken like a true therapist – lol).

My working day involves driving around the large, sprawling, urban conurbation that I cover, visiting my patients in their own homes. My patients all have life-limiting illnesses – some much more advanced than others. My patients do not get better. At some point they die of their illness. Having said that, my role is to improve the quality of their lives so that they can achieve their goals in what time they are able to do so. I recognise that some of my eating is done in response to some very sad sessions. On the other hand I often have sessions that are full of laughter. It's amazing how strong some people are. Knowing what I do will go some way towards understanding just how dark my humour is. Apologies in advance if I ever offend.

So that’s my work life. I work full time and then some more, as is often the way in the NHS. I truly believe that the NHS only functions because we staff work so much time for nothing. We do not get overtime. We can take time back in lieu but the problem with that, is if you take time off then you fall behind, causing you to work late … and the cycle begins again. I still had 9 days of annual leave to take before the end of March so I have taken this time off to be banded as annual leave and not sick leave. (What do I want? The NHS Big Girls Badge for Martyrdom?)

Aaaaaanyway, I digress. Suffice to say that I have a very busy work life, actually, who doesn’t? So back onto the food addiction and my full time hobby of over-eating. Having a job that gets you driving up to 70 miles per day gives a lot of time for snacking. Then there are the patients and their families who constantly try to feed you. Finally there is the, racing about, ‘haven’t got time to stop and have lunch’, mentality that comes with the job.

When I get home I often do nothing else but watch the TV and eat, eat, eat. Often I am so shattered, mentally, that I am an incoherent wreck. Part of my over-eating is down to habit. Part of it is down to poor organisation on my part. The biggest part, by far, is about coping with feelings. I use food like someone else might use a stiff whisky or a valium. When I am in the ‘binge’ nothing else matters. It is the most selfish place to be. I am ashamed to admit that I get a kick from the anticipation of a binge. For me it’s almost like the pleasure of seeing your lover after weeks apart, (God, that’s a terrible thing to say), I feel giddy with anticipation and excitement. I spend time preparing the food to binge on – sometimes in an almost obsessive fashion. Then I consider what I will watch on TV whilst bingeing – this part is very important as it needs to engage me enough to stop me feeling guilty about what I am doing. After the binge, I always get an overwhelming feeling of sadness that the pleasure is over. What makes me feel better? The thought of more food occurs and the cycle will begin again. It’s scary when I commit it to written word like this. But I have to do this. Part of getting ‘better’ is acknowledging just how bad things have gotten. Over the years these binges have gotten more and more intense.

In the beginning the dieting was enough to counterbalance the over-eating. I was an excellent dieter, even if I do say so myself, lol. But I have never been able to maintain a weight. It is true to say that for the past 20 years, if I haven’t been losing weight, I have been gaining it. As the years have gone on, my dieting has got less and less effective, or perhaps, it is that I have become more and more cynical.

I kid myself that my patients are better able to relate to me as someone with a weight problem, that I don’t have a perfect life. But, perhaps, the fact that I am overweight gives them a different message. A message that says, I am out of control and too undisciplined to be relied upon. Who knows? I have tried not to think about it really.

So my ‘9-5’ is hectic and my home life is composed of eating. When I am home it is my sanctuary. I switch off by bingeing. To be fair, Jack and I spend a lot of time laughing as well and I am eternally grateful that he is not affiliated, in any way, to the NHS or the ‘caring professions’. He calls a spade a spade and I have a sneaking suspicion that he feels that all this blogging is a tad self-indulgent. Blogging is my new addiction. Jack loves music, as do I, and this is how we met. But, we don’t ever go and see any live music, we do not go clubbing and neither of us particularly enjoys the pub scene around where we live. As my mom would say, we make our own fun ;)

What am I going to do with myself now that I am not eating in the same way? How am I going to cope with all of the feelings generated through work? I have some ideas but I think I need a new hobby. I’m already feeling bored.

Here’s a typical weekend prior to being banded:

Friday – Get back from work around 6-7pm. Cook ‘special Friday dinner’ which was my excuse to go to M&S and buy as if the end of the world was nigh. Settle down to a film on cable. Eat, Eat, Eat.
Saturday – Papers delivered so no chance of any exercise going to get them. Prepare and eat ‘Special Saturday breakfast’ in bed. Lounge around, chase up emails and look at celebrity ‘gossip’ blogs (D-Listed is my favourite – Heat Magazine has nothing on this :) Graze my way through the day … maybe find a new, whole series to watch in one sitting on cable TV. Cook dinner, maybe even have friends over for dinner, but only if they taste nice.
Sunday – Papers and breakfast in bed. Maybe over to in-laws or my mom’s for lunch. If we’ve run out of munchies then a trip to the local shop (by car) to stock up. Maybe a magazine if I’m in the mood. Take all munchies home and devour. Panic because I haven’t done any washing since weekend before. Do washing. Procrastinate. Eat. Put washing out. Eat. Go to bed.

What the flip am I going to do now? This weekend I have washed everything that needs washing, dried and put it away. I may start ironing again one day :) Made some soup. Which was very nice thank you. Walked to my moms (must have been bored). Made smoothie ice lollies in childish lolly moulds. I bought them off the internet in a rash, compulsive way. I was going to give them to somebody for Xmas but then decided to keep them for myself – yes, I will burn in Beelzebub’s very own fiery pit. I’ve got to think of things to do for the next 3 days until I go back to work.

Recipe for Naughty Rabbit Lollies

2 x very ripe nectarines
1 x M&S low fat strawberry yogurt
200mls skimmed milk.

Whiz it up with the handheld blender in a jug. Pour into moulds. Freeze. Eat.
Not too difficult. I was so bored this morning I took photos of them. Hence the picture.

Onwards and downwards.