Head Hunger I

"If only the other girls had told Blythe that 60's night was off this week"

Day 3 Post-Op


Well, I’ve had 2 good night’s sleep. I had a little bit of a panic as one of the wounds started weeping very slightly yesterday. It’s the same one that came unglued in hospital and bled. It’s the wound that the band itself was inserted through. Had a good look at it in the mirror and it’s not red, hot or swollen so I just cleaned it with some homemade sterile saline (i.e. boiled water and teaspoon of salt) and popped a sterile dressing on it. This morning it’s stopped weeping and actually just feels a little itchy, which is a sign that it’s healing.



I’ve realised that the ‘head hunger’ has been a constant companion to me for many years and is going to be a real challenge. I’ve read on the forums of people struggling to eat post-operatively, I am not struggling not to eat in a physical sense but, in the mental sense. I am not hungry and am taking 20 minutes to drink my smoothies but I’m still cooking for Jack Spratt and the urges to put food in my mouth, “just for a taste”, are still there. Actually had a mouthful of mashed potato which I made myself take about 3 minutes to swallow – eugh!



I know that at this time I need to be examining the reasons that cause me to overeat but, it is quite daunting. So much of my life has revolved around diets, binges and successful or failed weight-loss campaigns. I have put so much ‘on hold’, waiting until I was an acceptable size before letting myself do things. I put off seeing friends that I haven’t seen for a while just because I’ve put on weight, I turn down invitations to weddings and parties for the same reason. I am really fortunate as I have a network of close friends who understand my madness and will come to me. In fact, I often ‘hold court’ to avoid having to go out in public with them. I always insist it’s because I enjoy entertaining but the reality is I hate going anywhere where I feel people may look at me in a derogatory way. God, I am so f***ing self-obsessed sometimes. My mom always says, “they’re not looking at you, they’re looking at me”. Bless her.



Anyway enough of the incoherent rambling. This is a fresh start. I have failed in my campaigns before but, I’ve never been banded before and I’ve never committed to looking at the reasons behind my over-eating behaviour.



Whilst I was doing my pre-op diet, I came so close to cheating and really appreciated how easily I sabotage my efforts to lose weight. Food is an addiction with me. I love food and I hate it. I hate the control I let it have. Even in the face of being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes I couldn’t break my maladaptive eating. Even when the consultant gave me an ultimatum that he would put me on insulin at the next appointment if I didn’t get some semblance of blood sugar control. I work for the NHS and I used to be a podiatrist (not anymore, am in a different ‘caring profession’ now). But, when I was a podiatrist, I used to help my Senior with the diabetic foot clinic. I have seen people with the most horrendous ulcers who have gone on to lose their foot or even leg because of their diabetes. I have had patients who have needed kidney dialysis, patients who have lost their sight all due to complications of their diabetes. And, yet I was still unable to get some degree of control. This is one of the reasons for taking radical action and being banded.



I have the most supportive boyfriend I have ever wished for. I fancy him so much I could just eat him. I love him so much that if he needed one of my kidneys he could have it. Damn it, if he needed both arms and legs, I’d gladly chop them off. We met when I was much, much slimmer and within a year I had put on 3 stone, within 2 years another stone and a half. He is still with me. Why have I risked the best thing that has ever happened to me just to eat junk? Have I been, on some subconscious level, testing him? Will he still love me the same if I am fat and ugly? If it was a test he passed with flying colours :) Now I want him to feel proud of me. I’ve finally met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and the only person who I’ve been out with that I would ever consider having children with. And what happens? Well the weight gain has adversely affected my fertility. Bugger.



Now I am banded and I have to acknowledge my demons… the demon of junk food, confectionary and carbohydrate ;) I feel I in the right ‘place’ emotionally to deal with them. I am at a very stable period in my life. I am settled at work, home and socially. Perhaps I just needed to reach this place before I could summon up the energy to tackle the eating problem.


After all that psycho-babble clap-trap I will get to the point. Head hunger. The forums talk about this a lot and I’ve realised what it is. Actually I’m going to digress for just a moment.


The forums. There are a couple of good ones but, by far the best forum, in my opinion, is: http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk Yes, you have to pay to subscribe and no, I am not on commission – lol. But it really does have some excellent information and the loveliest people who take the time to respond to posts and generally share their expertise from their journeys. If you haven’t taken a look, then I would actively encourage you to do so. As far as I know, the site is completely impartial and isn’t sponsored by any particular surgery provider.


So, head hunger. What is it? Well for me, my current personal definition would be: “Knowing that it is physically impossible for me to be hungry, in fact, having no physical appetite at all but to have a strong desire to eat something”. I am starting to realise just how affected I am by the smells and, more so by advertising and seeing food on the TV. It’s bonkers. I am a total telly addict. I will spend hour upon hour in front of the telly and there is a strong association for me to be sitting, watching nonsense and to be constantly grazing. A bit like a bovine cross between Jabba the Hut and Mr Creosote. I am now actively avoiding the telly. I sat and watched a VW Beetle programme last night (love those bugs) and as soon as the adverts came on, my mind automatically started to think about getting up and getting something to eat from the kitchen. It was amazing. I’ve not really acknowledged just how deep the advertising affects me. I am their target audience … like a sponge with a little whirring monologue constantly going .. “oh yes that isn’t just a profiterole, that’s an M&S profiterole… I have some M&S vouchers in my purse .. must pop in. Ooooh I’m loving it … god, I could murder a Big Mac ….. I’ve had such a stressful day… Galaxy, that’s the ticket”. I am like a trained consumer android. I’m so bloody easy to manipulate.


So I must avoid these triggers… telly is going to be a toughie, but, I fear necessary at the moment.I have about 6 exercise DVDs gathering dust, including .. GoGoRobics :) and we went out for a walk last night. Nothing too excessive, just a 20 minute stroll peering into peoples’ front rooms as we pounded the streets. Jack Spratt is being enrolled on this fitness drive, despite the fact he’d drive 30 seconds to the shop rather than walk. I can’t really blame him – I’m just as bad. In fact we are as bad an influence on each other. But, I am able to play the, “I can’t walk outside at night in case I get murdered” card. Naughty rabbit.



I am determined to stick to the month of liquids only. I am aware that people are given different advice by their surgeons and dieticians but, I am going to stick to it to the last letter. I am not only doing it to allow the physical healing and ‘bedding’ in of the band and my new stomach pouch. I am doing it to try and conquer my food addiction. If I had a drug or an alcohol addiction I would not expect to get well if I were continuing to take them. I’m looking at food in the same way. This month is the perfect opportunity to break the cycle of bingeing. Okay, so I understand that I’m not giving food up completely, but this is as near as damn it. The pureed and soft food transitional phases will be me being weaned back onto foods. At month 3 I will start to introduce ‘normal’ foods and textures, with the aim of establishing a more consistent and emotionally healthy relationship with food. My band is a tool, I know it is not going to be the magic bullet but, in the same way that nicotine patches help to keep the cravings for cigarettes at bay, I’m going to use my band to exorcise some portion control and help me relearn the right level of eating for my body.



I know, I know…. This may just be me setting myself up to fail but, I know that the band is only half of the battle. My head hunger is the other half. If I learn how to use this tool inside my body, then maybe my brain can learn to have a better relationship with food. I’ll never know unless I give it a go. I have to have a strategy and I have to keep using positive thinking.


Today’s food intake is going to be:

3 x 200mls of homemade smoothie
3 x 300mls of homemade butternut squash soup
Fruit teas
1 x Cadburys Highlight hot chocolate


Finger’s crossed.