How the Mighty Tumble

"Blythe tried not to have a fat day after her Friday night naughties"

Day 25 Post-Op
Weight: 14 Stone
Weight Loss: 2 Stone 3lbs


First the good news, I’ve lost another 3lbs. Now the bad news, I have had a blip. I can call it a blip because that was all it was. It was on Friday night and I have been back on track Saturday and today.


My whole blog has been quite positive so far and has been full of success but, I am only human and I slipped. I feel it is important that I shared the hard days as well as the good. I’ve tried not to brood too much about my binge on Friday but I have also made myself face up to it and look at why it happened. I’m a firm believer that we do everything we do for a reason. We may not always recognise what that reason is but, if we look at the circumstances closely enough, we can usually pinpoint the triggers.


I realise that my binge was in response to a nagging financial worry that was hanging over my head. For the past 2 months the NHS trust that I worked for took it upon themselves to pay me half of my monthly salary for no reason. They have acknowledged that this is their mistake and had promised 5 weeks ago to send me a cheque for the significant amount they owed. Surprise, surprise it hasn’t materialised. So by the end of this month I was stuffed. My direct debits and car payment had bounced. The bank, in their infinite wisdom, had decided not to extend my overdraft because, from what they can see, my salary has halved. So I have had a week of being chased by debtors whilst being in a position to do absolutely sweet F.A.


I am due to be paid this Wednesday and am terrified that, not only will I not get what is owed to me (the equivalent to a whole month’s wages) but, be paid half my wage again. So I have had to do something that I absolutely hate having to do, but, I have had to ask my mom for help. Bless her she is going to help me out till Wednesday. I am eternally grateful to her but, it is a position that I hate to be in. I had done a ‘bury my head in the sand’ about it too in the hope that I would be paid the outstanding cash ‘any day now’.


So that was the stressor that was bubbling away in the background. I had underestimated the way it was affecting me and by Friday, following a particularly stressful day at work, I feel it was almost inevitable that something had to give.


I did all the things that I know I shouldn’t.


1) I couldn’t be arsed to go out for a walk and didn’t try to convince myself to either.

2) I isolated myself, was extremely anti-social, went upstairs and watched a film on the pc.

3) I started doing deceitful eating behaviour, i.e. sneaking into the kitchen and nicking food.

4) I didn’t stop myself by blogging or reading.

5) I wrongly convinced myself that I could have ‘just one’of something.

6) I lied to Jack Spratt about what I was doing.

So what was the result? Okay, getting a sense of perspective on it, I didn’t go too mad. I certainly wasn’t anywhere near my previous form of bingeing. In total I had 3 bowls of soup, some dried mango, 6 oatcakes and a handful of cashew nuts. I expect you think that I am making a fuss about nothing but, for me this is quite significant, as it signified me losing control. Usually when I lose control I struggle to regain it again. But, surprisingly I have managed to get back on the wagon.

Firstly I admitted to Jack what I had done. He wasn’t best pleased and was disappointed with me rather than angry. I actually find causing disappointment more upsetting. I then worked out exactly what I had overeaten by in terms of calories. This was fairly easy because I just weighed the nuts to see how much I had eaten. In total I had a shocking 1000 calories on top of my usual 1200. It’s funny but, actually working it out was quite therapeutic. Normally I go into huge denial and can’t even acknowledge it to myself, let alone admit it to someone else. I then made the decision NOT to reduce my calories to try and compensate. So yesterday and today I have been normal. I walked and I ate soup. Today I ended up on a 2 hour walk with a friend who is training for the 26 mile, breast cancer ‘Moon Walk’ in London. This has definitely helped and we have decided to walk together several times a week until the date of the Moon Walk.


Did I have any ill-effects from my over-eating? Yep. I had horrendous chest pain/ache, I went very clammy and I couldn’t get comfy in bed. Plus I had all of the horrible guilt and shitty feelings of being out of control.


I only have another 3 days on the liquid phase and I think my desire for something crunchy just became too much. I also think that I’m not eating enough protein and so I am going to concentrate on getting the protein down me as of the end of the week. I am going to continue to have the same amount of calories (1200) and increase my walking by 15 minutes an evening. It’s funny because I don’t feel particularly hungry, just ‘munchy’. I think that I am going to have to face the fact that everyday is going to be somewhat of a struggle but, if I do some walking and watch the calories, then I will be okay. I’m finding writing down (honestly and accurately) what I have eaten is helping. I find it so easy to conveniently ‘forget’ things that I have noshed :) Also I am weighing / measuring everything. Again, I know that this is somewhat over the top but, I find that I am more likely to stick to the boundaries as opposed to convincing myself 3oz of butter is really 1oz.


So that’s me. They say pride comes before a fall and I certainly was feeling a little cocky. It was so easy to fall back into the old habits and so easy to consume high amounts of calories in such a short space of time. So I’m back to my blog, tail between my legs. Tomorrow I may even wag it again.


Deep breath… Onwards and downwards :)