"Blythe didn't think much of the Consultant's new Feng Shui waiting room"
Week 8 Post-Op
Weight: 13 stone 3lbs
Weight Lost: 3 Stones
Finally. Finally it has happened. I have broken the 3 stone mark. I accept that I have only lost a pound this week but, a pound off is better than I was expecting given the silly-bugger behaviour I have indulged in. My next goal is to be 12 stone something. That’s only 4lbs away, so not too extreme a target.
I saw the Consultant yesterday. He was pleased with the progress and I spoke to him about the ‘sausage incident’ as Jack now refers to it. Jack hasn’t forgiven me for scaring him yet. Last night I had my best mate over for tea. She knows all about the band and is extremely supportive. Over dinner Jack asked her, “Has she told you how she tried to kill herself with a sausage last night?” :o
Yes, I had. Later on he sticks his head round the lounge door and says, “Not dead then? Just checking”. This was all done VERY tongue in cheek by Jack, but, the fact he’s even mentioning it indicates to me just how upset he is.
I digress. The Consultant. Well, he said he was pleased that I seemed to understand why it had happened and that it was important to pay close attention to the actual food you are eating at any time and not to get distracted, eat too much or not chew well enough. He has booked me in for the first x-ray fill on 11th April. I could have had it sooner but that was the first date the radiologist had available. I questioned him about the amount of restriction and he stated that I would get the equivalent of 2-3 blind fills, that the radiologist would look to restrict to the level that fluid slips more slowly through the band. He then went on to say that the aim would be to get restriction where 2-3 mouthfuls of food would keep me nicely full and that 4-5 would be painful. He anticipated that this restriction would last 2-3 months and then I would be looking at having the second and final fill.
So what is my uncomfortable truth then? I know this is going to fly in the face of why I had the operation and will probably sound ungrateful but, although I desperately want to be a healthy weight and all the benefits that go along with that, there is this part of me that absolutely loves eating. I am ashamed to admit it but, having been working on ‘feeling my feelings’ more and not burying them with food, the feeling I had when the consultant said I would only be able to eat 2-3 mouthfuls was a definite mixture of panic and sadness. How mental am I? But I think it’s vital that I address this and not try to hide how I am feeling. I almost resent it. 2-3 mouthfuls? That’s bugger all. Yes, I know I will feel full after these and not actually want anymore and yes, that is wonderful. However, I feel sad to be losing my old friend. Eating is a truly pleasurable experience and fills me with anticipation, excitement and an almost ‘drug’ like high. I feel I have to admit that. I don’t regret for one minute having had the band but, yesterday, I definitely felt ambivalent towards it. I know that the only way forward is to acknowledge how I truly feel about food and acknowledge the nature of my relationship with it… but I am a little sad to be saying goodbye to those mountainous binges.
Looking back on how my chaotic my eating had become I realise that sometimes planning what I was going to eat in my nightly binge was what got me through the day. It almost felt like getting ready for when I used to go and spend the weekend with Jack. I still have those feelings about coming home from work and knowing that Jack will be here waiting for me, but, somehow the food ‘affair’ became established again. It replaced the heady ‘first-date’ anticipation as our relationship blossomed. I think I must crave a ‘high’ or a boost as part of being who I am. I wonder if people with alcohol dependency get the same feelings of anticipation before their first drink of the day? Or is it the feeling of relief that I get when I eat something?
Let me paint you a picture … this is the reality of how ridiculous my behaviour with food had become. I preferred to stay in, as opposed to seeing friends because it gave me more time to eat. When I was out with friends and family I would purposely eat a great deal less than I wanted to because I didn’t want them to see how greedy I was. If I was at a buffet I would fill my plate with virtuous salads and not have the items that I really wanted to eat, certainly not in the quantities that I wanted to eat. When I was at home with Jack, we would spend some of the evening together but, because I like crappola TV and he can’t stand it, I would get the lounge to myself for at least an hour. I would have gone to M&S at lunchtime (the money that I really don’t have that I used to spend on food) and bought 2 packet of each of my favourite things. 1 pack would be ‘on display’ in the kitchen and the other hidden. Now this wasn’t about Jack not having his fair share of munchies but, it was about that I didn’t want him to know just how much volume of food I was consuming. With the items on display it would look like I had only had 1 muffin or 1 Belgium bun when, in fact, I had had a pack of 4 and the 1 out of the display pack. Looking back and admitting this fills me with shame. I don’t think Jack is aware of the full extent of my devious eating. I would then have to hide the evidence. This is something which I have been doing since I was a little girl, except now I am so much better at it. I’d hide wrappers in my work bag so that I could put them in the bins there and not get caught out at home.
Realistically, the band is the only thing that is going to help me in the long term. I think I will always have a complex relationship with food but I can’t begin to address it whilst I am stuffing my feelings down with food. I know in my heart of hearts that the band is giving me a brilliant tool to help me cope with the physical side of over-eating. This is all painful stuff to be admitting but, I can’t escape the clutches of my over-eating if I don’t admit to what I do.
The urges to over-eat are with me daily, some days I cope better with them than others, the next thing I need to do is work out why.
Onwards and downwards.
I digress. The Consultant. Well, he said he was pleased that I seemed to understand why it had happened and that it was important to pay close attention to the actual food you are eating at any time and not to get distracted, eat too much or not chew well enough. He has booked me in for the first x-ray fill on 11th April. I could have had it sooner but that was the first date the radiologist had available. I questioned him about the amount of restriction and he stated that I would get the equivalent of 2-3 blind fills, that the radiologist would look to restrict to the level that fluid slips more slowly through the band. He then went on to say that the aim would be to get restriction where 2-3 mouthfuls of food would keep me nicely full and that 4-5 would be painful. He anticipated that this restriction would last 2-3 months and then I would be looking at having the second and final fill.
So what is my uncomfortable truth then? I know this is going to fly in the face of why I had the operation and will probably sound ungrateful but, although I desperately want to be a healthy weight and all the benefits that go along with that, there is this part of me that absolutely loves eating. I am ashamed to admit it but, having been working on ‘feeling my feelings’ more and not burying them with food, the feeling I had when the consultant said I would only be able to eat 2-3 mouthfuls was a definite mixture of panic and sadness. How mental am I? But I think it’s vital that I address this and not try to hide how I am feeling. I almost resent it. 2-3 mouthfuls? That’s bugger all. Yes, I know I will feel full after these and not actually want anymore and yes, that is wonderful. However, I feel sad to be losing my old friend. Eating is a truly pleasurable experience and fills me with anticipation, excitement and an almost ‘drug’ like high. I feel I have to admit that. I don’t regret for one minute having had the band but, yesterday, I definitely felt ambivalent towards it. I know that the only way forward is to acknowledge how I truly feel about food and acknowledge the nature of my relationship with it… but I am a little sad to be saying goodbye to those mountainous binges.
Looking back on how my chaotic my eating had become I realise that sometimes planning what I was going to eat in my nightly binge was what got me through the day. It almost felt like getting ready for when I used to go and spend the weekend with Jack. I still have those feelings about coming home from work and knowing that Jack will be here waiting for me, but, somehow the food ‘affair’ became established again. It replaced the heady ‘first-date’ anticipation as our relationship blossomed. I think I must crave a ‘high’ or a boost as part of being who I am. I wonder if people with alcohol dependency get the same feelings of anticipation before their first drink of the day? Or is it the feeling of relief that I get when I eat something?
Let me paint you a picture … this is the reality of how ridiculous my behaviour with food had become. I preferred to stay in, as opposed to seeing friends because it gave me more time to eat. When I was out with friends and family I would purposely eat a great deal less than I wanted to because I didn’t want them to see how greedy I was. If I was at a buffet I would fill my plate with virtuous salads and not have the items that I really wanted to eat, certainly not in the quantities that I wanted to eat. When I was at home with Jack, we would spend some of the evening together but, because I like crappola TV and he can’t stand it, I would get the lounge to myself for at least an hour. I would have gone to M&S at lunchtime (the money that I really don’t have that I used to spend on food) and bought 2 packet of each of my favourite things. 1 pack would be ‘on display’ in the kitchen and the other hidden. Now this wasn’t about Jack not having his fair share of munchies but, it was about that I didn’t want him to know just how much volume of food I was consuming. With the items on display it would look like I had only had 1 muffin or 1 Belgium bun when, in fact, I had had a pack of 4 and the 1 out of the display pack. Looking back and admitting this fills me with shame. I don’t think Jack is aware of the full extent of my devious eating. I would then have to hide the evidence. This is something which I have been doing since I was a little girl, except now I am so much better at it. I’d hide wrappers in my work bag so that I could put them in the bins there and not get caught out at home.
Realistically, the band is the only thing that is going to help me in the long term. I think I will always have a complex relationship with food but I can’t begin to address it whilst I am stuffing my feelings down with food. I know in my heart of hearts that the band is giving me a brilliant tool to help me cope with the physical side of over-eating. This is all painful stuff to be admitting but, I can’t escape the clutches of my over-eating if I don’t admit to what I do.
The urges to over-eat are with me daily, some days I cope better with them than others, the next thing I need to do is work out why.
Onwards and downwards.
5 comments:
Hiya
Oh you poor thing...you're having a rough old time aren't you...but you can STILL have a kick up the 'arris from me!! Write 100 times I must not binge etc etc!!!
How are you feeling now? I've ben doing OK I think...still struggling with anything other than mushies at the moment (I'm a week behind you I think)and I've suffered the old PB...its so gross that I can't eat for the rest of the day if it happens! I'm emetaphobic anyway so its very traumatic for me. I hope that you're managing a bit better now...we all have bad days and I think wanting to binge is merely rebellion! Its only coz we know we can't that we do it so stay strong and you'll do great! Is your surgeon Mr Super by any chance?
Hiya Suzanne,
Yep it's Mr Super. I think he's quite identifiable due to his strict diet and fill routine.
Poor you about being sick - that's a nightmare. I reckon that will keep you on the right path even more so.
I have had these 'bingeing' issues since I was a little girl and I just have to recognise that they won't disappear overnight.
It's nice to hear that someone is in the same boat with their progress. I think I prefered mushies to real food, lol. Keep up the good work and stay in touch.
Thank you for reading xxx
Although the journey isn't an easy one, you are doing sooooo well!
You are a wonderful inspiration! I shall continue to follow your progress with interest :-)
Kind egards...
Lins x
Hi
Another mirror image posting for me. I can feel that the more confident I get the more risk-taking is occurring. Why can't we just not feel anything for food?? I watch friends and boyfriend simply live their lives giving very little thought toward food. You know how men are meant to think about sex every 3 minutes? Well I think about food every 3 minutes!! Anyway I'm glad to hear that your appt went and I look forward to the next installment.
Tractorgirl x
Thanks for the comments guys :)
It's a daily battle but, one that for the first time in years, I feel I have a chance of winning.
Just reassuring that I'm not battling alone.
Onwards and downwards
xxx
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